Former Cult Members Find New Life In Christ

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Vol 31 Issue 21

Model Railroading A Harsh Mistress

UTICA, NY—Tom Collins, a 49-year-old data technician and father of seven, announced Monday that model railroading is a harsh mistress. "Model railroading, like the Sea, can be a kind lady, but make no mistake, she can also be a cold and angry harpy," Collins said. "In times of yore, men tested their mettle against the Sea, but in these modern times, a man proves his virility one way only: building, maintaining and running a model-railroad set-up in his garage or den." Collins advised using Testor's-brand epoxy glue for miniature trees and letting them dry for at least 24 hours.

Area Teens Find Once-In-A-Lifetime Love

VALDOSTA, GA—Despite living in a harsh, unaccepting world in which their dads won't let them have the car past 11 p.m. on Fridays, area teens Brianna Fahey and Kurt Mulroney have found true, once-in-a-lifetime love in each other. "We have something that many never find, no matter how long they look: our soulmates," the teens, who have been officially 'going out' since May, said Thursday. "No other love could ever be as special as ours." When asked what was so special about their relationship, Fahey said, "I totally love Karl. He wants to have sex all the time, and I even want to let him. That kind of connection only happens when it's true love." The couple expects their first baby in approximately eight months.

Rat Fancy Magazine Fails To Catch On

NEW YORK—Despite massive market-saturation and advance promotion, the first three issues of Rat Fancy, a new monthly magazine devoted to rats and the people who love them, has failed to generate the level of consumer interest necessary to continue publishing, editor Frankie DelGabrio said Monday. "Despite being packed with rat photos, true-life stories about rats, and helpful rat-care tips, it somehow hasn't found its audience," DelGabrio said. "The June issue, which features a precious, full-color centerfold of a hungry rat family approaching a sleeping baby in its crib, will sadly be the magazine's last." Added DelGabrio, "I love sweet, cuddly rats with all my heart."

Rupert Murdoch Acquires Cable

LOS ANGELES—Media-industry giant Rupert Murdoch made perhaps his most significant move ever Monday, acquiring cable for his L.A.-area mansion for an estimated $35 a month. "This puts me in strong TV-watching position well into the next century," said Murdoch, who, according to a Wall Street Journal report, also paid a $50 hook-up fee as part of the deal. "With some 50 channels now in my possession, my vast media empire cannot be rivaled." Murdoch acquired the stations by using his vast holdings and market influence as leverage against his local cable provider, who, sources say, approved the deal within four to five seconds. Murdoch promised that the cable acquisition will pave the way for "a historic ass-couch merger."

U.S. Anachronism At 'All Time High,' Says Truman

INDEPENDENCE, MO—At a press conference Monday, former president Harry S Truman declared that U.S. anachronism levels are at "an all-time high." Responding to the recent rash of jitterbugging, British taxation without representation, and talk of the Teapot Dome scandal, the deceased leader called on all citizens to "join me and Bess in saving up scrap iron for the war so our boys over there can drive the Spanish back." Truman also urged citizens to use caution when using whale-blubber-burning oil lamps.

Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma

REDMOND, WA—Microsoft head Bill Gates, already considered by many to be among the most powerful men in the world, further increased his powers Monday, augmenting several of his key statistics to near-immortal levels.
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Spring

Former Cult Members Find New Life In Christ

HANOVER, NH—Times are tough for young people today. Faced with the overwhelming complexities of modern life, many turn to drugs, gangs, and, in some cases, cults. It is estimated that each year, some 200,000 young people fall prey to the abuses of cult life. But in Hanover, NH, some people are fighting back. Here at the Fellowship House, more and more cult members are finding a new life... in Christ Jesus, our Lord and Savior.

Helen Hurley of the Fellowship House in Hanover, NH, where cult survivors are being given a chance to return to the real world, be reborn and ascend into Heaven for all eternity through devotion to the one true Savior, Jesus Christ.

Helen Hurley founded the Fellowship House in January 1987. Since that time, she has helped over 300 former cult victims escape cult life and find new security in the arms of the Lord.

"Cults are ruthless," Hurley said. "They'll often resort to such techniques as isolation, suppression of individuality, and brainwashing to indoctrinate innocents into total domination by the cult. Here at the Fellowship House, we provide such people with an environment totally different from their previous surroundings, so that they may better reject their sinful ways of the past, and give over their hearts and minds completely to Jesus, that they may better learn his doctrines and teachings."

One recovering cult member, 31-year-old Ronald Shelham, currently employed at the Fellowship House helping others like himself, recalls his experience.

"Back in the compound, they told me that any thoughts that came into my mind other than cult law were evil and had to be wiped out," Shelham said. "But thanks to Ms. Hurley and the others here, I now know that all such heathen lies are merely the voice of Satan, whispering temptation into my ear, trying to seduce me away from the one and only true path of Christ's glory. I have truly been born again in the body and blood of the lamb."

Fellow survivor Elaine Drenholt says her involvement with a cult drained her more than just spiritually. "I used to give all my money, resources, and time to the Cosmic Yoho Radiance," she said. Drenholt proudly notes that these days, she spends most of her time volunteering at the Fellowship House, where she strives to earn salvation through charity, stewardship and volunteer work.

Though cults often keep initiates surrounded at all times by other members, preventing the victim from having the chance to think any individual thoughts, Hurley says that, with time, the Fellowship House can help "break" such conditioning. By providing an environment in which survivors have constant, 24-hour access to prayer counselors and other support staff, the house helps them feel closer to Christ and His all-encompassing love.

"I must help these poor souls any way I can," Hurley said. "If I don't get them to give over their bodies and souls to Jesus, they will be left behind when Jesus returns to sweep up the righteous with Him, sparing them the agonies of Armageddon, carrying them with Him to Heaven on the prophesied day of the Rapture. In the battle at the end of time they will be punished horribly by foul dragons and the demonic armies of Hell itself."

"Look," she said, her expression turning serious, "some of the men and women who have come through the Fellowship House were actually involved in ritual cannibalism at one time. Now they can turn their back on darkness and confusion. They are free to take their first communion, and in the sacramental eating and drinking of the body and blood of Christ, they have been washed of their sins by the blood of the Lamb."

After all, isn't that what it's really all about?

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