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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Former Lovers Meet In Coffee Shop For One Last Cliché

MADISON, WI—According to sources, former lovers John Breneman and Ingrid Matay returned Friday to the coffeehouse they had frequented in college, stoking the last dying embers of their feelings for each other and sharing one final cliché. The couple, who began their banal relationship after meeting at a party freshman year and bonded over their shared enthusiasm for the same band, are said to have broken up after graduating and getting jobs in different cities. On Friday, the two reportedly exchanged hackneyed, bittersweet memories from their past, recounting their first kiss, shared under an awning as a freak storm passed, as well as the picnic they went on—complete with blanket, basket, and bottle of wine—in trite celebration of their first anniversary. At press time, the couple had exited the coffee shop, shared a lingering hug full of rehashed sentiment, and gone their separate ways, with Breneman looking back over his shoulder to make eye contact in one last well-worn trope.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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