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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Former Lovers Meet In Coffee Shop For One Last Cliché

MADISON, WI—According to sources, former lovers John Breneman and Ingrid Matay returned Friday to the coffeehouse they had frequented in college, stoking the last dying embers of their feelings for each other and sharing one final cliché. The couple, who began their banal relationship after meeting at a party freshman year and bonded over their shared enthusiasm for the same band, are said to have broken up after graduating and getting jobs in different cities. On Friday, the two reportedly exchanged hackneyed, bittersweet memories from their past, recounting their first kiss, shared under an awning as a freak storm passed, as well as the picnic they went on—complete with blanket, basket, and bottle of wine—in trite celebration of their first anniversary. At press time, the couple had exited the coffee shop, shared a lingering hug full of rehashed sentiment, and gone their separate ways, with Breneman looking back over his shoulder to make eye contact in one last well-worn trope.

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