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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Former Lovers Meet In Coffee Shop For One Last Cliché

MADISON, WI—According to sources, former lovers John Breneman and Ingrid Matay returned Friday to the coffeehouse they had frequented in college, stoking the last dying embers of their feelings for each other and sharing one final cliché. The couple, who began their banal relationship after meeting at a party freshman year and bonded over their shared enthusiasm for the same band, are said to have broken up after graduating and getting jobs in different cities. On Friday, the two reportedly exchanged hackneyed, bittersweet memories from their past, recounting their first kiss, shared under an awning as a freak storm passed, as well as the picnic they went on—complete with blanket, basket, and bottle of wine—in trite celebration of their first anniversary. At press time, the couple had exited the coffee shop, shared a lingering hug full of rehashed sentiment, and gone their separate ways, with Breneman looking back over his shoulder to make eye contact in one last well-worn trope.

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