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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Former Nun Responds To Release Of Pau Gasol Sex Tape

The Lakers are dealing with another distraction as they make their playoff push: the leak of a surreal, expressionistic sex tape starring power forward Pau Gasol. The woman who filmed and appears in the tape, an ex-nun known only as "H," agreed to write about her experience filming with Gasol:

I am disturbed by the release of the tape, but only the timing and the nature of the release. "Physiology Of Desire" was conceived not as a "sex tape" in the traditional sense, but as a radical deconstruction of western notions of sexuality, eroticism, sense, capitalism and longing. Though filmed months ago, the project was not complete, and it was our intention for the film to be screened only once against the wall of an abandoned train station. For the film to be distributed on television and over the internet cheapens its effect and dulls the alienating blow it was meant to deliver.

Since its release, most have read the film as a piece of erotica through the lens of the male gaze. This interpretation is incorrect. "Physiology Of Desire" was intended as a critique of imperialistic sensuality -- those who see it as less than this miss the irony. I am amused by the public's reaction of disdain and mock horror -- it only proves the ideas upon which the film was based. I know Pau is more idealistic in his art; he would have liked for the film to change people's minds.

As for Pau himself, he was inspired, generous and professional, and I know I could never work with him again. I wish him luck in his next project, and hope he finds satisfaction in himself, as those who create to please any other than themselves are inevitably disappointed.

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