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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Former Orlando Breakers Coach Michael 'Dauber' Dybinski Adjusts To New GM Duties

ORLANDO, FL—Dismissing questions regarding his lack of executive experience, his willingness to make tough personnel decisions, and rumors that his team may soon move to Los Angeles, two-time Super Bowl champion coach and former Monday Night Football broadcaster Michael 'Dauber' Dybinski reassured fans that he was ready to take over the position of general manager for the Orlando Breakers. "I guess I got a lot to learn about what the salary cap is if I'm supposed to wear it every day," Dybinski joked Monday in an obvious jibe at critics who repeatedly questioned his intelligence. "Seriously, though, we're balanced in the locker room with both decent young talent and veteran leaders, we have a $45 million secured municipal bond float for stadium renovations over the next six years, I have a seat at the table for the new collective bargaining agreement, and I've got a feeling this is the year we finally beat the Bills in the playoffs. I love this job." Dybinski also took time to mention that his predecessor, former Breakers coach and general manager Hayden Fox, will always be in his prayers and serves as a tragic example of why one should never drink and drive.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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