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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Former Presidents Convene For Liver Spot Summit

RANCHO MIRAGE, CA—Liver spots topped the agenda this weekend at a summit held by the four living former U.S. presidents. Meeting at Gerald Ford's Southern California ranch, the presidents discussed numerous liver-spot-related issues. Jimmy Carter reported having them on his arms. "I have them all over my face," Gerald Ford said. "I also have them on my chest." Secret Service agents were dispatched several times in Air Force Two to procure special, security-cleared vials of Pond's Medicated Cream for the talks. Also on the summit agenda: wheezing, moving from a seated to standing position, and arm fat. Secret Service costs for protecting the four living ex-presidents amounted to $27 billion for the three-day summit.

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