Former Prom King Now Living Anonymously Among Commoners

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Former Prom King Now Living Anonymously Among Commoners

By the looks of Fowler today, no one would ever suspect the monarch once smoked in front of the vice principal.
By the looks of Fowler today, no one would ever suspect the monarch once smoked in front of the vice principal.

GRESHAM, OR—Sean Fowler, the man once revered throughout the halls of Barlow High School as prom's one true king, has for the past several years lived a meager existence among the very peasants who used to tremble at the mere mention of his name, sources reported Monday.

Bearing none of his kingly habiliments, nor the regal air which at one time daunted all who crossed his path, the deposed King Fowler has dwelled in lowly anonymity since graduating in 2002.

"Right now I'm just sort of working a lot, saving up money," said the fallen monarch, sitting among the riffraff at a local tavern, his once formidable stature wholly unnoticed by those around him. "I'm full-time at Best Buy, which is actually pretty decent. Plus, I can usually walk there from my apartment, so I end up saving a ton on gas."

"That's pretty much what I've been up to, I guess," added the man who at one time commanded a mighty army of willing and devoted sophomores and juniors.

Since his glorious reign as prom king ended, the former chosen sovereign has been forced to ply many a humble trade, from mall shoe merchant to beef sandwich maker, meekly attending to those who not eight years past had cowed before him.

The former king at the height of his yearlong reign.

So great are the changes that have befallen Fowler that few today may even recognize the stubble-faced commoner dining in quiet solitude at Ruby Tuesday's as the young tyrant who strode so majestically across the Barlow High cafeteria, drawing the fearful gaze of all who toiled in his midst.

"I don't see a lot of old high school people these days, but I guess people just sort of drift apart," said the dethroned Fowler, who has struggled in vain to relive his celebrated conquests on the high school field by vanquishing lesser foes in a local recreational football league. "It's fun to go on Facebook, though, and see what people are up to. Brings back good memories."

Low have also fallen the statures of many former members of King Fowler's royal court, from trusted adviser to the crown Troy Patterson to beloved jester Derek "D-Money" Reschke, whose prankish wit was known well among the frailer, heftier commoners who once traversed the halls of the Barlow High math and science annex.

Worse still, towering feats of revelry and sexual conquest, hailed and exalted in their day by Fowler's underlings, have over the years vanished slowly into the mists of time, their fiery glow reduced to naught but a few dying embers in the pit.

"We used to get pretty wild, you know, hooking up with girls in the computer lab and stuff," said Fowler, his eyes a-twinkle as if he had been transported back to one of his storied moments of monarchal triumph. "And getting high between fourth and fifth period. Man, BHS. Those were some good times."

Added the disgraced former despot, "I ruled that place."

As winter turns slowly to spring, portending, perhaps, another coronation, trusted sources of the deposed king see little hope of Fowler one day reclaiming the crown that was once rightfully his. For all across the land, in the very school hallways, Dairy Queens, and shopping malls where Fowler once rendered lesser mortals too petrified to speak, foul rumors and belittling jests now append his very name.

"Oh yeah, I saw Sean Fowler a few weeks ago at Safeway," said former commoner Zachary Biederman, who once, long ago, could only dream of being welcomed into King Fowler's inner circle and partaking of the immortal glory lying therein. "Dude, that guy got fat."

Next Story