adBlockCheck

Former Viagra Spokesman Suspended For Using Performance-Enhancing Substances

Top Headlines

Sports

Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Healthy Living

Former Viagra Spokesman Suspended For Using Performance-Enhancing Substances

BALTIMORE—All-Star first baseman and sexual-dysfunction-drug pitchman Rafael Palmeiro was suspended for using performance-enhancing substances just weeks after entering the 3,000-hit club and months after appearing on Viagra commercials. "Tests of Palmeiro's blood samples taken during this season have revealed the presence of the muscle-growth-enhancing substance stanozolol," said Commissioner Bud Selig in a statement that many say casts a shadow over Palmeiro's history of solid play and endorsement of the erection-growth-enhancing drug sildenafil citrate. Spokesmen for Palmeiro, who could not be reached for comment, say that he wishes to put the performance-enhancing-drug controversy behind him as soon as possible so that he can return to what he does best, namely baseball and lucrative performance-enhancing-drug endorsement.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close