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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Former Viagra Spokesman Suspended For Using Performance-Enhancing Substances

BALTIMORE—All-Star first baseman and sexual-dysfunction-drug pitchman Rafael Palmeiro was suspended for using performance-enhancing substances just weeks after entering the 3,000-hit club and months after appearing on Viagra commercials. "Tests of Palmeiro's blood samples taken during this season have revealed the presence of the muscle-growth-enhancing substance stanozolol," said Commissioner Bud Selig in a statement that many say casts a shadow over Palmeiro's history of solid play and endorsement of the erection-growth-enhancing drug sildenafil citrate. Spokesmen for Palmeiro, who could not be reached for comment, say that he wishes to put the performance-enhancing-drug controversy behind him as soon as possible so that he can return to what he does best, namely baseball and lucrative performance-enhancing-drug endorsement.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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