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Formerly Evil Wrestler Realizes Error Of His Ways

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Strongside/Weakside: Jose Mourinho

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Highlights From NFL Training Camp

With preseason games underway and preparations intensifying across the league, the NFL has had no shortage of stories to keep fans occupied before the new season kicks off. Onion Sports breaks down the biggest moments from this summer’s training camp.
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Formerly Evil Wrestler Realizes Error Of His Ways

PONTIAC, MI—Manzilla, the American Wrestling Federation villain reviled for inflicting countless blindside folding-chair blows and barbed-wire-bat bludgeonings upon helpless opponents, rocked the world of sports entertainment Monday by converting to the forces of good.

Manzilla before (left) and after his conversion to the forces of good.

Witnessed by a sellout Pontiac Silverdome crowd, Manzilla's change of heart occurred almost 10 minutes into a tag-team match that paired him with Fatback against AWF pretty boy Trent Vanity and the mysterious Quasar. After Fatback knocked Quasar out of the ring, Manzilla tagged in and promptly spread a box of carpet tacks across the mat. He then grabbed Vanity and restrained him with a powerful sleeper hold.

But instead of throwing Vanity onto the dangerous tacks, Manzilla stunned the capacity crowd by falling silent, losing himself in deep thought. After nearly two full minutes of reflection, Manzilla released Vanity. The self-described Man-Monster From Beyond then picked up announcer Golden Throat's heavy chair and smashed it into Fatback's shoulder blades, sending him sprawling across the canvas and handing the match to Vanity and Quasar.

In a ringside interview after the match, Manzilla informed the world that his actions were the result of a profound personal epiphany.

"You listen to me now, people," said the 6' 7", 320-pound two-time AWF champion, speaking directly into a nearby camera. "I want to say something to all my former partners in the Coalition Of Wrong, to all my former tag-team partners, from the War Pigs to the Stink Squad, and to my now-ex-girlfriend Lustula. I have seen the light. I will no longer be a bad example to children everywhere. I thought you were my friends, but I was wrong. You thought you could control me, but you were wrong. And at Battle Among The Cattle, next month in the Calgary Saddledome, you'll all see just how wrong."

Manzilla was then joined by Trent Vanity, who thanked and congratulated him on his conversion amid a mixed chorus of cheers and boos from the 79,000 in attendance.

Reaction among Manzilla's colleagues has been mixed.

"I, for one, welcome him out of the darkness and into the ranks of the good guys," said the Shriekin' Deacon, long regarded as the AWF's moral and spiritual leader. "Being abandoned on the steps of the San Diego Zoo's reptile house could not have been an easy beginning for young Manzilla. But he has overcome that, and now he sees the light."

"No way will I ever trust that guy," said Quasar, the self-anointed five-time Mr. Alternate Universe. "I don't care if he did save my bacon from the War Pigs: A zebra doesn't change its stripes that quick—let alone a skunk. If he truly has changed, so be it. But be warned, Manzilla: Quasar's Virtuous Vision is upon you. If this is treachery, not just me, but my mate Bicepta and partner Vic Viking will be there."

Manzilla, sequestered in an unknown location since renouncing his evil ways, said he has adopted a new name that is better suited to his new disposition.

"The man you knew as Manzilla will use that name no more," wrote Manzilla in a letter read aloud by Golden Throat. "To all my former enemies—Big Chief Beef, Barry Hatchett, Half-Ton, Diamond Ralph, and Santa's Biggest Helper—my wrath has abated. From now on, I shall be known as Gorgeousaur, and my stunning good looks shall reflect my newfound inner peace."

The letter also made an impassioned plea for the hand of Princess Miss Lovelady, the AWF's most untouchable beauty. Lovelady declined comment on the matter.

AWF insiders said it's too early to know if Manzilla's spiritual reawakening is to be believed.

"If it's for real, it is the greatest turnaround in wrestling history," said longtime wrestling insider Clean Steve Borglund. "But it's hard to believe that this man is capable of good. The wrestler who single-handedly destroyed the career of Million-Dollar Bill? The fork-tongued heel who has come perilously close to race-baiting the Chocolate Tornado? The only man dastardly enough to team up with Bad Smells Smith? Something tells me we don't have the whole story here. I suppose we'll have to wait until [pay-per-view event] Halloween Havoc III to find out."

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