Fossilized Evidence Reveals Spazosaurus Was Largest Doofus To Ever Roam Earth

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 27

Belichick To Tebow: ‘I’m Your Lord And Savior Now’

BOSTON—Warning that he was a dark and vengeful God, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly pulled aside Tim Tebow at the team’s facilities Thursday and informed the backup quarterback that he was his only Lord and savior now...

New Tandem Mobility Scooter Released

A dying kid in Houston is holding on until the Astros develop a player worth meeting, fossilized evidence reveals the Spazosaurus was the largest doofus ever to roam the earth, and a Facebook friend is apparently under the impression that Ron Paul is stil...

Sibling Bullying Just As Bad As Peer Bullying

A recent study found that kids who were physically or psychologically bullied by siblings suffered comparable or even worse mental health outcomes than if they were bullied by neighbors or classmates.

U.S. Celebrates Independence Day

Americans are enjoying the day off with friends and family in celebration of the 237th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Late Night

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Fossilized Evidence Reveals Spazosaurus Was Largest Doofus To Ever Roam Earth

Paleontologists say this prehistoric dope was once the most dominated nitwit on the planet.
Paleontologists say this prehistoric dope was once the most dominated nitwit on the planet.

MOAB, UT—U.S. paleontologists reportedly unearthed a nearly intact skeleton of a Spazosaurus Tuesday, an extraordinary discovery providing evidence indicating that the awkward, uncoordinated, and peculiar creature was the largest doofus to ever roam the earth.

Preston Hopkins, the lead paleontologist at the excavation site, analyzed the fossilized remains and attributed the skeleton’s stooped posture, gangly neck, and misshapen skull with a significant overbite to that of a Spazosaurus. In addition, Hopkins said the discovery would yield a wealth of new information on the anatomy and behavior of the massive prehistoric dork.

“Not only is the perfectly preserved specimen astounding in size and scope, but it drastically expands our knowledge of the incredibly lame species,” said Hopkins, adding that physical remains showed that the gawky biped stumbled around on two legs, drooled excessively, and suffered from an uncontrollable twitch. “By piecing together the framework of bones, we had been able to establish that the Spazosaurus was indeed bumbling and inept; however, now we can safely determine that the humungous pud had absolutely no control over its own body.”

“Further examination of the limbs also supports the theory that the Spazosaurus was tremendously weak and nervously flailed about its withered arms like a total jackass,” added Hopkins.

According to researchers, the 30-foot-tall, hunched-over Spazosaurus were bizarre, thick-headed outcasts, known for lacking basic social graces and dying in idiotic ways. The scholars confirmed that every single dinosaur in the Jurassic Period ostracized the accident-prone Spazosaurus, which was a close cousin to the constantly rejected Dipshitlodocus.

The scientists reportedly found petrified footprint impressions suggesting that the earliest known dweeb was pushed away or shoved into tar pits by the other dinosaurs, confirming popular notions that the Spazosaurus was once the most dominated land-dwelling dingus.

Calling the discovery a major breakthrough, the team of paleontologists found that stress on the Spazosaurus’ skeleton indicated that the mammoth dweeb was likely 12 tons overweight, with a large, repulsive gut balanced on spindly, out-of-shape legs.

While studying the gigantic loser’s skull, the researchers established that the Spazosaurus was an omnivore by the substantial amount of fossilized meat and vegetation stuck between the extinct clod’s crooked teeth.

“The remains of this very inelegant creature reveal a great deal about the pathetic existence of this prehistoric nitwit,” said paleontologist Reginald Brunner, who speculated that the Spazosaurus’ skin was covered in blemishes, which resembled an ancient precursor to acne. “From the structure of the neck bones and oral cavity, we deduced that the dope’s vocalizations consisted primarily of obnoxious squawks that were mocked throughout the ancient ecosystem.”

Brunner told reporters that researchers experienced a combination of fascination and contempt after discovering that the Spazosaurus had one really dumb-looking feather growing out of its head.

At press time, the paleontologists said that the Spazosaurus skeleton provided an important link to better understanding modern doofuses such as the flamingo, platypus, and Bloomington, IN eighth grader Justin Hicks.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More