Foster Mom A Cunt

Top Headlines



Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that this was not a choice he had made lightly, University of Michigan student Kevin Peterson told reporters Thursday that he had officially decided to become one of the lanyard-wearing kind of freshmen.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings

BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware...

Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself.

Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a challenging time for any expectant mother, but eating well, getting prenatal care, and being active are all ways that women can stay healthy and feel great.

Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed.

Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children.

Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some...

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health com...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage





Foster Mom A Cunt

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Foster parent Laurene Talley is a total cunt who always has to get into everyone else's business, 14-year-old Kristen Wenc reported Monday.

"The second I walk in the door, Laurene is on my ass about something," said Wenc, who never asked to be sent to stay with Talley in the first place. "It's such total bullshit."

Talley, who doesn't have to be such a bitch to Wenc (right) all the fucking time.

The cunt, who had no right to go through Wenc's backpack, was paired with Wenc by Lutheran Child And Family Services Of Illinois in January, when Wenc's natural mother was convicted for felony drug possession and entered a long-term drug rehabilitation center to avoid a jail sentence.

Wenc, who is almost 15 and sure as hell doesn't need anyone looking after her, was doing fine by herself until some stupid social worker, Donna Piwowarski at the Illinois Department Of Child And Family Services, decided otherwise.

"The state was alerted to Kristen's need for housing on Jan. 1," said Piwowarski, the bitch. "Kristen stays with her aunt intermittently, but we were unable to contact her, nor were we able to locate any other close relatives. Kristen and I decided together that it would be best to find her a placement in a stable environment until her mother is physically and financially able to resume her care."

After four days in a temporary shelter for minors, Wenc was trucked from Chicago all the fucking way out to Schaumburg.

"Kristen is staying in the upstairs bedroom, which she's welcome to decorate however she likes," the cunt said. "We had a little bit of a rough start together, but I'm confident that she'll settle in. She may even find that she likes it here."

According to Talley, Wenc had a "somewhat combative demeanor" during her first weeks with the family. Talley said Wenc broke the windowpane in the front door when she slammed it angrily, and has had arguments with everyone from her new next-door neighbors to her teachers at school. Last week, Wenc stole a vial of cholesterol-lowering medication from the family medicine cabinet and attempted to sell individual tablets in the parking lot of an area gas station.

According to Wenc, Talley believes anyone who has anything bad to say about her, even some greaser who works at the goddamn QuikTrip.

Assisting Talley with Wenc's care is Don, Talley's total asshole husband.

"You can't imagine the horrible family situations some of these kids have had to endure," said Don, talking shit about Wenc's mom. "When you hear what they've been through, you understand a little better why they act out."

The cunt and the asshole have provided temporary care for 14 different children during their 11 years as foster parents.

"Everyone who comes to live here needs to obey the household rules," the total Nazi cunt's husband said. "Most importantly, we don't allow any drinking or drugs. None. There's a strict curfew, there's no smoking inside the house, and we don't allow any violent video games or movies. We're strict, but it's important to provide structure for these kids."

According to Wenc, Don forgot to mention a couple of Talley's enforcement techniques, like going through Wenc's room, constantly calling her school, and watching her every minute of the day. In fact, Wenc can't even make a simple phone call without the nosy bitch hanging around the kitchen listening in.

Last week, Talley went so far as to drop by Schaumburg High School unannounced to make sure that Wenc was in class.

"I was, okay?" said Wenc, who can't skip a single day of school without Talley freaking out like Wenc robbed a bank. "I hope it made her happy to waste her time checking up on me. God, I hate her so much."

In addition to riding her ass about every little thing, the old hag treats Wenc like she's some kind of a servant.

"Put this away, clean this up, wash this," Wenc said. "That's all I ever hear."

As part of her weekly chores, Wenc has to keep both bathrooms clean, vacuum the living room, do her own laundry, and make dinner every single fucking Wednesday night.

"Kristen does a great job helping out around the house," the twat said. "She still has some bad habits she needs to break, but I can already see improvement in her attitude. All she needs is a little structure."

"Well, I have to admit that the past few days haven't been so good," added Talley, who should just go fuck herself. "I found some marijuana in her backpack and had to ground her. She's been stomping around the house mad ever since."

Wenc is one of more than 20,000 minors in Illinois currently living with assholes who won't stay out of their business.

Family Video