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WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Foster Mom Doesn't Pick Least Favorites

Kovach says she loathes each of her foster children equally and unconditionally.
Kovach says she loathes each of her foster children equally and unconditionally.

SEATTLE—Foster mom Ellen Kovach told reporters Thursday she doesn’t play least favorites, claiming that each of the minors placed in her home is provided with an equal amount of deep, seething animosity.

“They’re all my least favorite,” said the state-certified caregiver of Jeffrey, 14, Claire, 12, and Trevor, 8. “I really don’t ignore or resent one more than the other. All three are a huge pain in my ass.”

“Sure, sometimes it might seem like I spend more time arguing with Claire, but believe me, a good part of my day is devoted to reassuring Jeffrey and Trevor that they mean nothing to me,” Kovach added. “Those kids definitely know I hate them all the same.”

Kovach, who receives monthly checks of $400 per child, was adamant in refusing to say which of the three juveniles she despised the most, insisting that Jeffrey, Claire, and Trevor were “all especially irritating in their own unique ways.”

“They may think Trevor is my least favorite, because he’s the whiny fucking baby, but Claire can be a complete bitch, and Jeffrey is a lazy, disgusting slob who bugs the shit out of me, too,” Kovach said. “Deep down, they’re all terrible.”

The 43-year-old foster mother, who confirmed she unconditionally loathes the three children, said she reminds them on a daily basis that they’re the most unimportant part of her life. In addition, Kovach avoids giving preferential mistreatment to any of the youths by withholding affection from each of them equally.

Kovach frequently offers words of discouragement to all her foster children, and the court-appointed guardian is reportedly careful to heap scorn evenly, making sure to fairly distribute her criticisms and disparaging remarks.

“I do try to be impartial by letting all three of them know they are pathetic losers who will never accomplish a goddamn thing,” said Kovach, noting she also takes time with the children to explain that each of them is a “leech” she doesn’t want in her home. “They understand they are each individually very much unloved.”

Though Kovach refuses to pick a least favorite foster child, her husband, Paul Kovach, said that he detests Jeffrey the most. The 44-year-old part-time electrician admitted he berates Jeffrey far more than the others.

“Yeah, I single him out and tell him to ‘shut his fucking hole’ way more than the others,” the foster father said. “But it’s just because he’s a crybaby wuss who needs a little more belittling than the rest.”

At press time, Paul Kovach reportedly went into Jeffrey’s bedroom and threw out a pile of “pussy ass” books about cartooning.

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