adBlockCheck

Foster Mom Doesn't Pick Least Favorites

Top Headlines

Recent News

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Foster Mom Doesn't Pick Least Favorites

Kovach says she loathes each of her foster children equally and unconditionally.
Kovach says she loathes each of her foster children equally and unconditionally.

SEATTLE—Foster mom Ellen Kovach told reporters Thursday she doesn’t play least favorites, claiming that each of the minors placed in her home is provided with an equal amount of deep, seething animosity.

“They’re all my least favorite,” said the state-certified caregiver of Jeffrey, 14, Claire, 12, and Trevor, 8. “I really don’t ignore or resent one more than the other. All three are a huge pain in my ass.”

“Sure, sometimes it might seem like I spend more time arguing with Claire, but believe me, a good part of my day is devoted to reassuring Jeffrey and Trevor that they mean nothing to me,” Kovach added. “Those kids definitely know I hate them all the same.”

Kovach, who receives monthly checks of $400 per child, was adamant in refusing to say which of the three juveniles she despised the most, insisting that Jeffrey, Claire, and Trevor were “all especially irritating in their own unique ways.”

“They may think Trevor is my least favorite, because he’s the whiny fucking baby, but Claire can be a complete bitch, and Jeffrey is a lazy, disgusting slob who bugs the shit out of me, too,” Kovach said. “Deep down, they’re all terrible.”

The 43-year-old foster mother, who confirmed she unconditionally loathes the three children, said she reminds them on a daily basis that they’re the most unimportant part of her life. In addition, Kovach avoids giving preferential mistreatment to any of the youths by withholding affection from each of them equally.

Kovach frequently offers words of discouragement to all her foster children, and the court-appointed guardian is reportedly careful to heap scorn evenly, making sure to fairly distribute her criticisms and disparaging remarks.

“I do try to be impartial by letting all three of them know they are pathetic losers who will never accomplish a goddamn thing,” said Kovach, noting she also takes time with the children to explain that each of them is a “leech” she doesn’t want in her home. “They understand they are each individually very much unloved.”

Though Kovach refuses to pick a least favorite foster child, her husband, Paul Kovach, said that he detests Jeffrey the most. The 44-year-old part-time electrician admitted he berates Jeffrey far more than the others.

“Yeah, I single him out and tell him to ‘shut his fucking hole’ way more than the others,” the foster father said. “But it’s just because he’s a crybaby wuss who needs a little more belittling than the rest.”

At press time, Paul Kovach reportedly went into Jeffrey’s bedroom and threw out a pile of “pussy ass” books about cartooning.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close