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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Four Generations Of Americans Demand Sitcom Reparations

WASHINGTON, DC–Pressure is building for the nation's TV networks to offer a formal apology and reparations to the four generations of Americans who lost millions of hours to inane sitcoms.

<i>Hello, Larry</i> survivors demonstrate in front of NBC Studios in Burbank, CA.

"We, on behalf of this nation's 215 million Telecaust victims, demand extensive reparations from the perpetrators of these heartless and falsely heartfelt programs," said Meredith Bishop, 47, president of Americans For Sitcom Reparations (AFSR). "For hours wasted staring at mind-numbing swill, for idiotic pap promoted as outrageous romps, for an unending parade of very special episodes, season-ending cliffhangers, and celebrity walk-on appearances, we demand justice be served at long last."

AFSR leaders are calling for each Telecaust survivor to receive a minimum of $8,900 for his or her suffering. Under the AFSR plan, an additional $350 million would go toward the creation of a memorial to time killed during the Sitcom Era and toward educational programs designed to raise awareness and help prevent future sitcom crimes.

"The big TV networks can never erase the pain they have caused," said attorney Ben Feuerstein, who is representing the American public in what is believed to be the largest class-action lawsuit ever filed. "But at the very least, they can demonstrate an ounce of regret and repentance for their crimes by compensating those who, for decades, have suffered through everything from Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. to Herman's Head."

Said Tampa, FL, resident Helen Neimaier, who lost more than 20,000 hours to sitcoms from 1951 to 1998: "Every night, it was something different, yet completely the same: Mrs. Roper would mistakenly think Jack was giving Chrissie love lessons when he was actually giving her cooking lessons. Or Webster would learn an important lesson about playing with fire. But we were given nothing of substance to watch. And we would go to bed, only to begin again the next night at 8 p.m., 7 Central and Mountain."

Added Neimaier: "And, oh, the spinoffs... always, there were spinoffs."

A visitor to Los Angeles' National Center For Sitcom Reparations solemnly observes photographs in the museum's Hall Of Atrocities.

Bishop said the AFSR is also calling for the establishment of a special air-crimes tribunal to bring "every last network executive" to justice. At last year's Burbank Trials, many major TV producers were tried and convicted, including Garry Marshall, who was executed by firing squad after 20 million witnesses identified his programs from a mid-'70s Tuesday-night lineup.

"The Flying Nun, Just The Ten Of Us, Small Wonder... it is all too easy to forget the crimes of the past," Bishop said. "If we are to prevent them from happening again in the future, we must keep such atrocities fresh in our minds."

Despite the groundswell of support for reparations, network apologists are proving a vocal group, as well.

"Punishing the networks for the crimes of the past would only serve to reopen the wounds of shame they still feel," said Sean Wilheit, professor of media studies at Syracuse University. "Do you think the NBC executives responsible for The Single Guy are proud of what they've done? Of course not. There's no point in antagonizing these guilt-ridden, basically decent people by continuing to rub their past sins in their faces."

Bishop, however, strongly disagreed.

"We cannot, and should not, erase the scars of the episode of Silver Spoons where Ricky becomes a stand-up comedian," Bishop said. "In fact, we must do just the opposite and remain ever-vigilant, striving to ensure that we stop the Urkels of tomorrow before they gain power. Only by demanding full accountability can we reverse the shameful legacy of man's inanity to man."

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