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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Four Homeless People Dead In What Girlfriend Refers To As 'Cuddle Weather'

HARRISBURG, PA—Police confirmed Wednesday that four homeless people have died in the midst of a recent onset of sub-freezing temperatures reportedly referred to by local man Joshua Crawford's girlfriend as "cuddle weather." "I love the cold weather because it gives you an excuse to just snuggle up with a blanket and watch a movie," Alyssa Shell, 29, said of the meteorological pattern that in the last week has caused the deaths of four unidentified derelicts who preliminary autopsies reveal perished of hypothermia resulting from prolonged exposure to the elements. "Some people don't like the cold, but you give me a crackling fire and a good book, and I'm set. Any season that gives me an excuse to just curl up on the couch and be cozy is fine by me!" At press time, a sudden onset of snow flurries that is expected to claim the lives of another 10 homeless men, women, and children had caused Shell to express her enthusiasm for going outside and making snow angels.

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