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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Four Homeless People Dead In What Girlfriend Refers To As 'Cuddle Weather'

HARRISBURG, PA—Police confirmed Wednesday that four homeless people have died in the midst of a recent onset of sub-freezing temperatures reportedly referred to by local man Joshua Crawford's girlfriend as "cuddle weather." "I love the cold weather because it gives you an excuse to just snuggle up with a blanket and watch a movie," Alyssa Shell, 29, said of the meteorological pattern that in the last week has caused the deaths of four unidentified derelicts who preliminary autopsies reveal perished of hypothermia resulting from prolonged exposure to the elements. "Some people don't like the cold, but you give me a crackling fire and a good book, and I'm set. Any season that gives me an excuse to just curl up on the couch and be cozy is fine by me!" At press time, a sudden onset of snow flurries that is expected to claim the lives of another 10 homeless men, women, and children had caused Shell to express her enthusiasm for going outside and making snow angels.

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