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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Four Homeless People Dead In What Girlfriend Refers To As 'Cuddle Weather'

HARRISBURG, PA—Police confirmed Wednesday that four homeless people have died in the midst of a recent onset of sub-freezing temperatures reportedly referred to by local man Joshua Crawford's girlfriend as "cuddle weather." "I love the cold weather because it gives you an excuse to just snuggle up with a blanket and watch a movie," Alyssa Shell, 29, said of the meteorological pattern that in the last week has caused the deaths of four unidentified derelicts who preliminary autopsies reveal perished of hypothermia resulting from prolonged exposure to the elements. "Some people don't like the cold, but you give me a crackling fire and a good book, and I'm set. Any season that gives me an excuse to just curl up on the couch and be cozy is fine by me!" At press time, a sudden onset of snow flurries that is expected to claim the lives of another 10 homeless men, women, and children had caused Shell to express her enthusiasm for going outside and making snow angels.

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