adBlockCheck

Fourth-Grade Teacher Polishing Up Speech On This Not Being Third Grade Anymore

Top Headlines

After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Fourth-Grade Teacher Polishing Up Speech On This Not Being Third Grade Anymore

PALMYRA, PA—Saying it was important for her students to understand their increased expectations at the start of the new school year, Pine Street Elementary school teacher Veronica Potter reportedly spent Sunday evening putting the finishing touches on a speech that will inform her incoming class they are not in third grade anymore. “Many of you are 10 years old now, and I expect you to act like it,” said Potter, rehearsing the speech that will emphasize how the students’ responsibilities will extend not just to academic performance, but to behavior and classroom participation as well. “There’s going to be homework every night and we’re going to do several science units outdoors, which will require a lot of focus. You may have gotten away with excuses or outbursts last year, but this is fourth grade now. Okay?” Sources confirmed that Potter, worried about overwhelming her students too much on the first day, later revised her speech to put more emphasis on the spring field trip to Gettysburg.

After Birth Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close