Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Fourth-Grade Teacher Receives Dark Portent Of Coming Storm From Gnarled, Haggard Third-Grade Teacher

WAVERLY, NE—Listening as the haggard messenger spoke of ominous clouds upon the horizon, local fourth-grade teacher Myra Helms received a dark portent of a gathering storm from pale and bedraggled third-grade teacher Beverly Milfay, sources confirmed Thursday. “Hearken to my words! The unspeakable malevolence that befell me will soon descend upon you—a woeful tempest tears through Meadowlark Elementary, leaving nothing but misery and ruination in its path,” said Milfay, a shudder passing through her weary, sallow countenance as she spoke of a classroom disrupted by rampant misbehavior and screeching voices “unconstrained by any empty commandment to raise one’s hand.” “Beware foremost the one who calls himself Trevor, he of the wavy brown hair and shark-tooth necklace. The others follow his lead, and if his mockery is loosed upon you, your doom will be sealed by the multitude. Heed my warning or suffer an entire year!” The third-grade teacher also exhorted her colleague against any interaction with “the one known as Bradley,” who if called upon to read aloud will grow nervous and “swiftly desecrate his garments with urine.”

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