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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Fourth-Grade Teacher Receives Dark Portent Of Coming Storm From Gnarled, Haggard Third-Grade Teacher

WAVERLY, NE—Listening as the haggard messenger spoke of ominous clouds upon the horizon, local fourth-grade teacher Myra Helms received a dark portent of a gathering storm from pale and bedraggled third-grade teacher Beverly Milfay, sources confirmed Thursday. “Hearken to my words! The unspeakable malevolence that befell me will soon descend upon you—a woeful tempest tears through Meadowlark Elementary, leaving nothing but misery and ruination in its path,” said Milfay, a shudder passing through her weary, sallow countenance as she spoke of a classroom disrupted by rampant misbehavior and screeching voices “unconstrained by any empty commandment to raise one’s hand.” “Beware foremost the one who calls himself Trevor, he of the wavy brown hair and shark-tooth necklace. The others follow his lead, and if his mockery is loosed upon you, your doom will be sealed by the multitude. Heed my warning or suffer an entire year!” The third-grade teacher also exhorted her colleague against any interaction with “the one known as Bradley,” who if called upon to read aloud will grow nervous and “swiftly desecrate his garments with urine.”

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