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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Fourth-Grader Drawing Big Blank On Which Year 9/11 Terror Attacks Occurred

GALLATIN, TN—Furrowing his brow and nervously swinging his legs beneath his desk during his end-of-unit American History test, Sycamore Elementary fourth-grader Todd Ackerman reportedly found himself drawing a complete blank Monday on which year the 9/11 terrorist attacks occurred. “I know it begins with a two, and I remember it was near ‘Barack Obama becomes president’ on our study timeline, but was it 2005? 2007?” said Ackerman under his breath, squinting down at his fill-in-the-blank test and firmly pressing his small fist against his forehead as he tried to recall whether the largest terrorist attack in American history happened before or after the Iraq War. “Think, think, think. It’s got to be 2011, right? Yeah, that sounds right.” At press time, Ackerman was on his third attempt to spell the name “Hurricane Katrina.”

After Birth

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