adBlockCheck

Fourth-Grader Drawing Big Blank On Which Year 9/11 Terror Attacks Occurred

Top Headlines

After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Fourth-Grader Drawing Big Blank On Which Year 9/11 Terror Attacks Occurred

GALLATIN, TN—Furrowing his brow and nervously swinging his legs beneath his desk during his end-of-unit American History test, Sycamore Elementary fourth-grader Todd Ackerman reportedly found himself drawing a complete blank Monday on which year the 9/11 terrorist attacks occurred. “I know it begins with a two, and I remember it was near ‘Barack Obama becomes president’ on our study timeline, but was it 2005? 2007?” said Ackerman under his breath, squinting down at his fill-in-the-blank test and firmly pressing his small fist against his forehead as he tried to recall whether the largest terrorist attack in American history happened before or after the Iraq War. “Think, think, think. It’s got to be 2011, right? Yeah, that sounds right.” At press time, Ackerman was on his third attempt to spell the name “Hurricane Katrina.”

After Birth Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close