adBlockCheck

Fourth-Grader Named Jackson To Someday Fire You

Top Headlines

Local

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Fourth-Grader Named Jackson To Someday Fire You

The 4-foot-3-inch individual who will one day say the decision to let you go “is a difficult but necessary move.”
The 4-foot-3-inch individual who will one day say the decision to let you go “is a difficult but necessary move.”

TORRINGTON, CT—Though he is as yet unaware of your existence and the two of you won’t even meet for another 23 years, sources confirmed Tuesday that a local fourth-grader named Jackson will one day fire you.

According to reports, the 9-year-old boy, who at the present moment is enjoying recess with his classmates at Vogel-Wetmore Elementary School, will at some point in the future call you into his office and summarily inform you that, effective immediately, your employment at the company to which you’ve dedicated much of your adult life has been terminated.

“You’re it! I tagged you!” said Jackson, approximately two and a half decades before he will drop by your cubicle and ask to speak with you in private, whereupon the current prepubescent will tell you that your employer is “moving in a new direction” and is therefore being forced to make some tough personnel moves. “Owen’s it. Guys, I got Owen.”

“Don’t let Owen get you,” added the 72-pound boy who, as a full-grown man, will instruct you to clean out your desk and hand over your security fob by the end of the day.

Though he was born in 2004 and won’t graduate high school for another eight years, Jackson will reportedly explain that the decision has been made to part ways with you and that nothing can be done about it. Telling you that the company is “reenvisioning its approach to staffing,” the preadolescent now wearing Despicable Me high tops will on that day hand you a formal letter of termination, leaving you with no means of supporting yourself or your family.

Despite the fact that Jackson presently sleeps in a bunk bed and refuses to eat anything with tomatoes on it, sources said he will then express confidence that you’ll be back on your feet in no time, before explaining that the health insurance covering you, your spouse, and your two children will be cut off at the end of the month.

In addition, reports indicate that after deflecting your desperate pleas to reconsider and ushering you out of his office, the individual who still has a bedtime and hasn’t lost all his baby teeth will remind IT to close the corporate email account containing all your professional contacts.

“No tag-backs! That’s not fair!” said the individual who receives an allowance of $8 per week, long before he will conduct a department-wide redundancy audit in which he advises human resources that your contributions to the organization don’t justify your salary. “You can’t do that, Owen. It’s part of the rules. You’re not following the rules.”

Sources stated that while the future Jackson will halfheartedly offer to keep you in mind if he hears of any professional opportunities elsewhere and then pressure you to sign a letter acknowledging your ineligibility for severance, the present-day Jackson takes 30 seconds to tie his shoelaces and runs home from school every afternoon to watch DreamWorks Dragons: Defenders Of Berk.

Weeks after your dismissal, reports indicate that Jackson, who’s not yet allowed to ride in the front seat of his family SUV, will pretend not to recognize you at the grocery store. Sources also noted that the person who will someday fire you currently has a favorite dinosaur.

“Hey, look at Brody and Jenny—they were touching hands,” said Jackson, who will compose a brief company-wide email explaining that the organization is headed toward an exciting new future in which skills like the ones you will have accumulated over decades of hard work will be rendered obsolete. “Brody and Jenny are in love! They’re in love! They’re going to have a baby together. They’re going to have a hundred babies.”

“Brody likes Jenny!” the boy added years before he will be promoted for cutting operating costs while you spend several fruitless months trying to get back on your feet.

At press time, sources had confirmed that your firing will be followed by a humiliating exit interview with a woman named Madelyn who won’t be conceived until 2015.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close