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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Fourth-Grader With Shark Tooth Necklace Must Have Killed Great White

BRUNSWICK, ME—Fourth-grade sources reported this week that in order to acquire the shark tooth necklace he wears to school each day, area 10-year-old Brendan Landsley must have killed a great white shark. “Brendan probably was in the ocean, saw this huge shark, and then just jumped right on its back,” said classmate Ryan Pierson, speculating that Landsley also likely held on to the animal’s fin and was dragged underwater for miles. “Then I bet he took out a knife or a harpoon and stabbed it a bunch of times and ripped the tooth right out of its jaws. He’s probably got a bite mark somewhere from when he was wrestling with it.” Schoolyard sources also agreed that sharks probably come nowhere near Landsley anymore when they see the trophy from his kill dangling around his neck.

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