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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Fourth-Grader With Shark Tooth Necklace Must Have Killed Great White

BRUNSWICK, ME—Fourth-grade sources reported this week that in order to acquire the shark tooth necklace he wears to school each day, area 10-year-old Brendan Landsley must have killed a great white shark. “Brendan probably was in the ocean, saw this huge shark, and then just jumped right on its back,” said classmate Ryan Pierson, speculating that Landsley also likely held on to the animal’s fin and was dragged underwater for miles. “Then I bet he took out a knife or a harpoon and stabbed it a bunch of times and ripped the tooth right out of its jaws. He’s probably got a bite mark somewhere from when he was wrestling with it.” Schoolyard sources also agreed that sharks probably come nowhere near Landsley anymore when they see the trophy from his kill dangling around his neck.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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