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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Fourth-Grader’s World War II Project Vastly Oversimplifies Importance Of Air Combat, Uncle Reports

NORRISTOWN, PA—Despite receiving a “check-plus” on his three-page school project entitled “World War II,” fourth-grader Joe Fisher’s work grossly overlooks the full significance of Allied air offensives in Europe and the Pacific, his uncle Ron, 51, reported Tuesday. “What [Joe] failed to grasp was the importance of sustained bombing raids conducted across the Western Front, not to mention the decisive aerial assaults on the Imperial Japanese Navy,” said Ron Fisher about his 9-year-old nephew’s handwritten, stapled, and illustrated report. “Are we actually to believe, as Joe’s report supposes, that a few isolated beach landings in the European theater turned the tide of the war? Frankly, that overstates the case to an embarrassing degree.” Fischer reportedly spent the next 90 minutes detailing how teething problems in the R-2600 engines of Curtis XB2C-1 prototypes were eventually smoothed out in the SB2C service models.

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

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