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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Fox Cancels ALCS After Just Two Episodes

LOS ANGELES—Fox Entertainment president Peter Liguori announced Thursday that the network is pulling the plug on ALCS, the new three-hour drama/comedy about two rival clubs competing for the coveted "pennant," just two shows into its run. "This uninspired series featured a cast of uninteresting characters, a hackneyed plot, and more boring narration than actual meaningful dialogue," Liguori said. "We tried to find an audience on Tuesdays, then on Wednesdays, and we were prepared to move its time slot to Friday nights or Saturday afternoons before ultimately realizing that the series had zero potential." Television experts cited several other possible reasons for the early cancellation, such as the overly expensive sets and costumes, the show's subject matter, and the fact that the series' projected breakout character—a brash, outspoken black man named Carl Everett—tested very poorly with audiences. Fox remains optimistic about its other fledgling program, NLCS, but critics say the series has "very little chance" of making it past seven episodes.

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