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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Fox Cancels ALCS After Just Two Episodes

LOS ANGELES—Fox Entertainment president Peter Liguori announced Thursday that the network is pulling the plug on ALCS, the new three-hour drama/comedy about two rival clubs competing for the coveted "pennant," just two shows into its run. "This uninspired series featured a cast of uninteresting characters, a hackneyed plot, and more boring narration than actual meaningful dialogue," Liguori said. "We tried to find an audience on Tuesdays, then on Wednesdays, and we were prepared to move its time slot to Friday nights or Saturday afternoons before ultimately realizing that the series had zero potential." Television experts cited several other possible reasons for the early cancellation, such as the overly expensive sets and costumes, the show's subject matter, and the fact that the series' projected breakout character—a brash, outspoken black man named Carl Everett—tested very poorly with audiences. Fox remains optimistic about its other fledgling program, NLCS, but critics say the series has "very little chance" of making it past seven episodes.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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