Fox Defends Airing Of When Jews Attack

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Vol 31 Issue 10

Radio Talk-Show Caller To Make Point

NEW YORK—In a move sure to enhance listener interest, Bob from Maryland announced plans Monday to make a point next week on the nationally syndicated call-in show Inside Politics With Tony Meiller. "I am going to make a point about the recent fund-raising scandals," Bob from Maryland said. "Then Mr. Meiller will respond to my remarks. It will be interesting."

Barry White De-Euphemized

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Supreme Court ordered the music of '70s R&B love man Barry White to be de-euphemized Monday. According to the court order, White's lush, steamy, romantic ballads "will no longer contain lyrics which are merely suggestive, but instead will offer specific, clinically detailed descriptions of the sex acts they have long represented." The word "love," used often by White, will be digitally remastered on all recordings and changed to "prolonged intercourse." The pronoun "I" will be replaced with "10-inch erect penis." The hit songs "I'm Gonna Love You Just A Little More, Baby" and "Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe," will be renamed, respectively, "I'm Gonna Penetrate You From Behind Just Six-And-A-Half Hours More, Baby" and "Can't Get Enough Of Your Firm, Juicy Breasts, Babe."

'Must-See TV' Now Enforced By Law

WASHINGTON, DC—On Monday, President Clinton signed into law the much-discussed "Must-See TV" bill, which requires all Americans to watch NBC's Thursday-night prime-time line-up. "With the signing of this bill, the phrase 'Must-See TV' is no longer merely a strong suggestion by NBC; it is a federally backed order," Clinton said. The president stressed that under the new law, viewers would be required to watch not only the top-rated, Emmy-winning programs Seinfeld, Friends and ER, but also "all of the crappy programs sandwiched in between." Failure to watch Must-See TV will result in fines of up to $250,000 and up to 10 years in federal prison.

Ketchup Not Fancy Enough For Local Man

MEDFORD, MA—Medford resident Bob Schroeder spoke out Monday against a ketchup packet he recently acquired at a local restaurant, claiming it was not fancy enough. "The label on the packet clearly indicated it was 'fancy' ketchup, but upon breaking the packet's seal, it was clear that the ketchup was not very fancy at all. In fact, it appeared to be quite ordinary." Melvin Burr, a spokesperson for the manufacturer of the ketchup, denied any wrongdoing. "Our ketchup is processed in accordance with all federal fanciness standards, including the stipulation that all our factory workers be duchesses."

Army General Conducts Exhaustive Sex Probe

LANGLEY, VA—Vowing not to leave a single cadet unexamined, U.S. Army General Edwin B. Schumacher announced Monday that he "will personally conduct the deepest, most exhaustive sex probe in modern military history." The four-star general said he will probe every enlisted man and woman in the U.S. Army, and added that he had already begun the probe at last Saturday night's Stag Ball at the Langley Air Force Base. Pvt. Avery MacCormack said: "I will willingly submit to the general's probe as ordered, but I hope it does not interfere with the sex probes I am also currently undergoing from my company commander, drill sergeant and battalion leader."

Boy George? More Like Girl George, If You Ask Me!

I was watching VH1 the other day, and I saw a video by a rock band called The Culture Club. Now, their song, called "Karma Chameleon," was catchy and pleasant, but I couldn't tell if the lead singer was a man or a woman! I consulted the popular magazines, but, surprisingly, I was not able to find anything on this group. So, my intern did a quick computer search and came up with some juicy info, just the way I like it! So, here's the scoop on these up-and-comers: The lead singer is named Boy George, and he is a man, even though he dresses like a woman. (And not a very well-dressed woman, at that!) All evidence points to him being gay, which, of course, is not a big deal at all to an enlightened man of the 1990s like myself. The other members of The Culture Club all seem to be normal and well-adjusted, seeing as there's very little that appears in the papers about them. Go out and buy their album, called Greatest Hits, and remember—you heard it here first!

I'll Smoke Anything

Some guys brag that they only smoke weed. Powerful people often only smoke Cuban cigars. A lot of cigarette smokers are proud of their brand loyalty. Some smoke only herbal cigarettes. Others smoke only Indian beedies. Why's everyone so picky? I don't understand. Me? I'll smoke anything!

Those Do-Gooders Get On My Nerves!

Yesterday, one of those self-righteous spinsters from the Ladies' Auxiliary came to protest my treatment of several orphans who were begging at my front gate. The miserable whelps would yowl songs in the hopes of receiving a ha'penny and a moldy hardtack biscuit or two. Naturally, I had my manservant Standish tell them to buzz off. When they responded with groans and other expressions of insolence, I ordered Standish to release the bear.

Notorious R.I.P.

The Notorious B.I.G. was shot to death last week, almost six months to the day after fellow "gangsta" rapper Tupac Shakur was killed. What do you think about the escalating violence in the rap world?
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Fox Defends Airing Of When Jews Attack

LOS ANGELES—In the face of widespread public outcry, Fox TV executives spoke out Monday in defense of last week's airing of When Jews Attack.

The hour-long, Robert Urich-hosted show—which its detractors are decrying as "shock TV at its basest" and "a sickening appeal to voyeuristic, lowest-common denominator tendencies"—features explicit, uncensored video footage of enraged Jews violently striking out at others.

"For the next hour, what you will see you may find disturbing, even shocking," Urich said during the show's introduction. "But remember: The footage you are about to see is real."

Fox owner Rupert Murdoch defended his network's decision to air the controversial show. "This disturbing imagery may be difficult for some to watch," he said. "But we feel that the public has a right to see these attacks. They really do happen."

In a segment from Fox's controversial <I>When Jews Attack</I>, a tourist's home-video camera captures a sudden and violent assault on two U.S. Parks Service rangers in Redwood National Forest.

Among the show's objectionable segments: videotaped footage of a sudden, brutal attack by New Rochelle, NY, dentist Richard Rosenblatt on an unsuspecting dry cleaner. As the tape shows, tension mounted as Rosenblatt, after waiting in line more than 25 minutes to pick up his clothes at Sunrise Cleaners, became involved in a prolonged argument with dry cleaner Arthur Tong over what he described as "too much starch" in his laundry. When Tong denied that the clothes were overstarched, Rosenblatt suddenly leapt over the countertop and, without warning, began maniacally slapping the dry cleaner about the face and chest.

"It was frightening," Tong said, recalling the attack in a taped interview segment on the show. "Of course, I'd seen people being slapped by Jews on television, but you never think it'll happen to you."

Program detractors are also objecting to a segment which aired toward the end of the show, in which Chicago-area shopper Andrea Stein, complaining that "these are not the shoes I ordered," struck Payless Shoes employee Lisette Nolan in the forehead with a pair of tan leather pumps. Stein then pulled Nolan's hair until four other employees were finally able to pull her away.

"Children should not be exposed to such violent footage," said Sharon Blaine, head of the San Francisco-based What About The Children? organization. "In this day and age, we should be above such trash TV."

"I do not want my child to feel that it is acceptable to resort to hitting, kicking and pinching her siblings, like the Jews she sees on television," concerned parent Sandra Hueber said.

While most of the program's critics are condemning its offensive content, others are objecting to the message it may send the nation's Jews.

"I fear that the televised glamorization of such attacks may wind up provoking America's already-volatile Jewish population into committing further acts of battery," said Anthony Rasmussen, director of the American Center For Media Studies.

In reaction to the show, Jewish groups are calling for a boycott of Fox.

"As a Jew, I am deeply offended by this program," said B'nai B'rith International president Milton Feig during a press conference to announce the boycott. "We must send a clear message to Fox that this sort of garbage will not be tolerated." He then flew into a berserk rage, hurling ceramic vases at reporters and swinging a folding chair wildly.

Footage of Feig's attack is scheduled to air April 8, in a second installment of the show.

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