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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Fox Introduces New Line Of Scrimmage Reporter For NFL Playoffs

LOS ANGELES—Claiming that the new addition to their broadcast will bring fans closer to the game than ever before, officials from Fox Sports confirmed Friday that the network is debuting line of scrimmage reporters for all of its NFL playoff games. “Beginning with Wild Card Weekend, our line of scrimmage reporters will be positioned right in the middle of the neutral zone in order to provide viewers with the most in-depth and up-to-date information on what’s happening before the snap,” said Fox Sports president Eric Shanks, adding that the reporters will shed valuable insight into the quarterback’s cadence, audibles on either side of the ball, and any trash talk during the 40 seconds between each play. “For the first time ever, fans will be given live updates from a source standing just inches away from the center as he tries to read the opposing defense. And once the ball is snapped, our commentators will check back in with our reporter to get a firsthand look at how a hole or passing pocket is developing.” Shanks added that the network is also currently experimenting with a sky reporter, who, while suspended from a thin wire running the length of the field, will provide real-time analysis of plays from an aerial position.

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