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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Fox Launches 'We're Not Any Happier About This Than You Are' Campaign Promoting World Series

ST. LOUIS—Acknowledging this year's World Series lacks a compelling team and any real sense of drama, Fox rolled out ads for its coverage this week using the tagline "We're Not Any Happier About This Than You Are." "You don't have to tell us what a disappointment this is. We wasted hundreds of millions of dollars on the rights to broadcast up to seven games between two unlovable, unspectacular teams from moribund markets," Fox announcer Joe Buck says in one ad. "But it's going in the record books as a World Series. So if you're a baseball fan, you're pretty much obliged to watch Fox." To better reflect the current series, a line used in previous postseason advertisements, "Legends Are Born in October," has been reworked to "A Series of Bullpen Arms Will Be Shuttled in and out to Get Favorable Matchups in October."

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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