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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Fox NFL Robot Misses Week One Due To Contract Holdout

NEW YORK—The Fox NFL Robot, for years a central figure in sports broadcasting,† was noticeably absent from the network's NFL pregame show and commercial bumpers Sunday as the mechanical star continued its eight-week contract holdout.

"As you can see by the way this organization struggled without my client during the season opener, the Fox NFL Robot is clearly an elite talent," said agent Drew Rosenhaus at a Monday press conference while his mechanical client jumped up and down behind him, flexed his neck actuators, and appeared to be pointing at or counting the assembled reporters. "My client has shown its dedication by sacrificing its artificial life and limb every time it steps on the grates of the titanium playing field. If we don't receive a new deal, we will be forced to ask for a trade to another network." The contract dispute marks the longest amount of time that the Fox NFL Robot has missed since December 2005, when it spent two weeks recovering from cyberfood poisoning after eating the Fox Robot Thanksgiving Turkey.

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