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The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Fox NFL Robot Misses Week One Due To Contract Holdout

NEW YORK—The Fox NFL Robot, for years a central figure in sports broadcasting,† was noticeably absent from the network's NFL pregame show and commercial bumpers Sunday as the mechanical star continued its eight-week contract holdout.

"As you can see by the way this organization struggled without my client during the season opener, the Fox NFL Robot is clearly an elite talent," said agent Drew Rosenhaus at a Monday press conference while his mechanical client jumped up and down behind him, flexed his neck actuators, and appeared to be pointing at or counting the assembled reporters. "My client has shown its dedication by sacrificing its artificial life and limb every time it steps on the grates of the titanium playing field. If we don't receive a new deal, we will be forced to ask for a trade to another network." The contract dispute marks the longest amount of time that the Fox NFL Robot has missed since December 2005, when it spent two weeks recovering from cyberfood poisoning after eating the Fox Robot Thanksgiving Turkey.

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