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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Fox NFL Robot Misses Week One Due To Contract Holdout

NEW YORK—The Fox NFL Robot, for years a central figure in sports broadcasting,† was noticeably absent from the network's NFL pregame show and commercial bumpers Sunday as the mechanical star continued its eight-week contract holdout.

"As you can see by the way this organization struggled without my client during the season opener, the Fox NFL Robot is clearly an elite talent," said agent Drew Rosenhaus at a Monday press conference while his mechanical client jumped up and down behind him, flexed his neck actuators, and appeared to be pointing at or counting the assembled reporters. "My client has shown its dedication by sacrificing its artificial life and limb every time it steps on the grates of the titanium playing field. If we don't receive a new deal, we will be forced to ask for a trade to another network." The contract dispute marks the longest amount of time that the Fox NFL Robot has missed since December 2005, when it spent two weeks recovering from cyberfood poisoning after eating the Fox Robot Thanksgiving Turkey.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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