How did this brutal ideological conflict begin, and will there ever be peace in the region? The Onion explains the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
LOS ANGELES—Frances Bean Cobain, the 12-year-old daughter of serial substance abuser Courtney Love and deceased rock legend Kurt Cobain, entered the River Phoenix Elementary Prehabilitation Clinic Monday. "Although Frances Bean does not have a substance-abuse problem yet," publicist Cindy Guagenti said, "we thought it prudent to enroll her in an introductory six-step 'pretox' program." The $7,500-a-week facility has previously prepared celebrity children such as Maddox Jolie and Lourdes Ciccone.