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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Frank Robinson Spends One-Game Suspension Clenching Fists In Anger

HOUSTON—Suspended for his role in the Mets-Nationals brawl last week, Washington manager Frank Robinson opted to serve his suspension during Monday's game against the Astros, which he watched alone while standing atop the darkened rafters of Minute Maid Park with his hands tightly clenched in fists of silent, barely contained rage for the entirety of the three-hour contest. "While it is preferable that managers serving a suspension are kept out of the ballpark to keep them from relaying signals to their team, Mr. Robinson's anger-induced catatonic state prevented him from doing so even if he tried," said Bob Watson, MLB's vice president in charge of discipline, who in the third inning sent a team of security officials to monitor Robinson and prevent him from taking out his anger on fans, players, private property, or himself. "However, we are investigating a possible link between the changing of Nationals pitchers and the audible low-frequency rumble of grinding teeth emanating from the rafters, which could result in a further suspension, fine, or confiscation of Mr. Robinson's stress ball." Robinson returned to the dugout for the Nationals' Tuesday afternoon loss to the Mets, during which he repeated many of the same actions.

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