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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Frank Thomas Draws Greatest Walk In Baseball History

OAKLAND—An exhausted Frank Thomas trotted to first base Wednesday night after a historic 257-pitch at-bat that included three balls, 251 consecutive dropped foul tips, and eight relief pitchers during a fifth-inning walk in a 7-2 victory over the Seattle Mariners.. "He walked him! He walked him! I can easily believe what I just saw for the past two and a half hours!" said Oakland's play-by play man Ken Korach, whose now-famous "walk call" will likely never be recited by avid baseball fans everywhere. "The fans were on their feet for every pitch until number 147, at which point they grew tired and left the ballpark. My, oh my, if there's any justice in the world, I'll never live to see a walk like that again." Thomas checked his swing at the final pitch of the at-bat, and the call was deferred to first-base umpire Andy Fletcher, who at that point clearly wasn't paying attention.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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