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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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The President Of Vice

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Frantic Biden Searching Dog Shelter For Bo Look-Alike

WASHINGTON—Claiming that he would “be up Shit Creek without a goddamn paddle” if he wasn’t able to locate one, a frantic, out-of-breath Vice President Joe Biden reportedly arrived at a D.C. area canine rescue shelter early Monday morning in search of a look-alike for the Obama family’s pet dog Bo. “Hey, I need a poodle, pronto—black one if you got it,” the frenzied, disheveled VP told Washington Humane Society workers, emphasizing that he needed to “score a dead ringer” for the First Family’s beloved Portuguese Water Dog “before they wise up.” “Theirs is a boy, I think, but whatever, can’t be picky here. That little nippy one is close enough. Doesn’t have to be the genuine article. Uncle Joe’s just got to set things right.” Sources confirmed Biden also asked the shelter’s employees if they offered any “cheap quickie pet cremations.”

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