adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
End Of Section
  • More News

The President Of Vice

GO TO FEATURE

Frantic Biden Searching Dog Shelter For Bo Look-Alike

WASHINGTON—Claiming that he would “be up Shit Creek without a goddamn paddle” if he wasn’t able to locate one, a frantic, out-of-breath Vice President Joe Biden reportedly arrived at a D.C. area canine rescue shelter early Monday morning in search of a look-alike for the Obama family’s pet dog Bo. “Hey, I need a poodle, pronto—black one if you got it,” the frenzied, disheveled VP told Washington Humane Society workers, emphasizing that he needed to “score a dead ringer” for the First Family’s beloved Portuguese Water Dog “before they wise up.” “Theirs is a boy, I think, but whatever, can’t be picky here. That little nippy one is close enough. Doesn’t have to be the genuine article. Uncle Joe’s just got to set things right.” Sources confirmed Biden also asked the shelter’s employees if they offered any “cheap quickie pet cremations.”

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close