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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Fred Willard A Huge Hit At Counseling Session

LOS ANGELES—Since his arrest last Wednesday on lewd conduct charges, actor and comedian Fred Willard has become "quite the hit" in his court-mandated counseling sessions, amused sources reported this week. "Oh, man, that guy is a blast," said licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Tom Gronkowski, adding that he would barely begin delving into allegations that Willard publicly exposed himself in an adult theater before the actor would say something that "left [him] in stitches" for the next 10 minutes. "One moment I'm talking about the definition of a sex crime, and the next [Willard] is launching into this totally improvised bit where he's this clueless announcer guy commenting on everything I do. It's pretty killer stuff." Gronkowski added that he hadn’t had this much fun serving in a court diversion program since Andy Dick was arrested on sexual abuse charges in July 2011.

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