adBlockCheck

Freed POW Already Sick Of Family

Top Headlines

Recent News

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Freed POW Already Sick Of Family

CAPE GIRARDEAU, MO–Brent Dobson, a 19-year-old Army private who was reunited with his loved ones on May 8 after a harrowing two-week ordeal as a prisoner of war in Iraq, is already "sick to death" of his family, Dobson reported Monday.

Dobson is surrounded by his irritating loved ones.

"As I paced that 6x9 cell, with nothing but crumbs to eat, contaminated water to drink, and a broken piece of crockery to piss in, the thing that kept me going was thoughts of my family back home," said Dobson, pacing his 10x11 bedroom in his parents' home. "Well, after four days in this place, Iraq isn't looking quite so bad."

Added Dobson: "God, is my mom annoying."

On April 23, Dobson, a member of the U.S. Army's 3rd Infantry Division, was liberated by Marines who discovered him in a makeshift POW camp outside An Najaf in central Iraq. Missing for 15 days and feared dead, the POW was flown back to the U.S. last Wednesday after spending two weeks recovering in an Army hospital in Hamburg, Germany. Upon touching down on U.S. soil, Dobson was moved to tears at the sight of his family–a reaction he has since taken back.

"I guess during my ordeal, I'd forgotten that Dad clips his toenails in front of the TV, and that Mom obsessively runs the vacuum every day at 7 a.m.," Dobson said. "If I take one step into the house with my shoes on, she starts shrieking like I just dumped a 40-pound bag of horseshit on the floor."

Dobson said he should have recognized early signs of trouble at a family-organized homecoming celebration last Wednesday.

"I'd just gotten back and really just wanted to sleep," Dobson said. "But the family wanted to throw a big party for me, and some relatives had come halfway across the country for it. Still, when when you're just weeks removed from being beaten by a member of Saddam's Republican Guard, you're not necessarily in the mood to make small talk with your 300-pound Aunt Irene over a plate of macaroni salad."

Dobson's maternal grandmother, Maureen Robb, was among the party attendees, but her outpouring of emotion and affection toward her grandson soon took a predictable detour into Christianity.

"I was dumb not to have anticipated that at some point, she'd start in with the 'Jesus this, Savior that,'" Dobson said. "She actually said to me, 'Jesus was testing you, Brent, and you passed.' After all the horrible shit I went through, I couldn't believe she was trying to save me. This is the same woman who persuaded my parents to put me in that wretched summer Bible camp when I was 11."

At the homecoming party, Dobson was further dispirited by his uncle Mark, who would only discuss the NBA playoffs and his unusually high white-blood-cell count; a sullen cousin who picked flaking paint off the side of the Dobsons' home; and his sister Karen, who forced her children Kaleb and Kaitlin to perform a grating "welcome home" rendition of "God Bless The U.S.A." for the returning war hero.

The day after the homecoming party, Dobson–who had sustained a broken leg and wrist, as well as a bullet wound to the shoulder, during his imprisonment–was put to work clearing leaves from roof gutters.

"Yeah, I got roped into that pretty quickly," Dobson said. "Mom told me that since Dad's lumbago had been acting up all winter, a lot of yard work went neglected. I thought of pinning the Purple Heart that Donald Rumsfeld awarded me to Dad's shirt as he snoozed in his Barcalounger, but I decided against it."

By the end of his first weekend home, Dobson realized that his main reason for joining the Army was to escape the Dobson clan.

"I used to say that I joined the Army to escape Cape Girardeau," Dobson said. "But what I was really trying to escape was my family. I love them, but they're clingy and whiny and bossy and cranky and snippy and annoying and smothering. Those Iraqi captors were pretty bad, but they're nowhere near as bad as my current ones."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close