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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Freeh Report: Joe Paterno Burning In Hell Right Now

PHILADELPHIA—Releasing a full report of his investigation into the Penn State scandal at a press conference Thursday morning, former FBI director Louis J. Freeh disclosed that the late Joe Paterno was indeed burning in hell at this very moment for his part in covering up the sexual abuse of young boys. "My examination of the available documents found that Jerry Sandusky's activities were almost certainly known to Coach Paterno, who failed to act appropriately in reporting or following up on certain incidents and who is indeed shrieking in indescribable anguish as the searing flames of hell devour his flesh for all eternity," Freeh told reporters, adding that Paterno's firing by the university was also warranted. "Every moment since his death has been one of pure suffering and excruciating, flesh-melting torment, based on the interdepartmental communications given to us for review." Freeh refused to confirm whether Penn State fans and alumni who supported Paterno during the scandal would also eventually burn in hell, saying they had "the remainder of their lives" to reflect and repent and "may still escape eternal and painful damnation."

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