Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Freelancer Loves Being Able To Barely Scrape By Livelihood On Own Schedule

EUGENE, OR—Praising the flexible lifestyle that comes with his manner of employment, local freelancer Martin Abraham told reporters Monday that he loves being able to barely scrape by a livelihood on his own schedule. “I really enjoy the freedom my work affords me in cobbling together just enough to subsist,” said Abraham, noting that unlike his friends who are “chained to office jobs,” he has the latitude to do whatever work is available from a variety of inconsistent, unreliable sources. “The best part is that I can do it from anywhere. I can actually work from a coffee shop where it’ll take me an hour to earn back the cost of the least expensive menu item. And anytime I want to deprive myself of the income I badly need to move out of my parents’ house, I don’t need anyone’s permission to take an afternoon off.” Abraham went on to say that what he loves even more than the flexibility of freelancing is the total autonomy of being on unemployment.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.