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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Freezing, Coatless Woman Has Decided It Is Spring

CHICAGO—Wearing a cardigan and a thin scarf, freezing woman Melissa Cady, 34, reportedly walked to work in frigid temperatures today following her decision that it is spring now. “The date is April 8 and it is now springtime and it is beautiful out,” said the shivering, coatless woman as a gust of cold air blasted into her face. “Winter is over. The seasons have changed. I am happy and warm now.” Sources said the woman spent her lunch hour walking along Lake Michigan, vigorously rubbing her hands together and blowing into them.

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