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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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French Teacher Forces Student To Inform Her Of Bathroom Fire In French

FRANKFORT, KY—Jenny Block, a Crestwood High School ninth-grader, attempted to tell French teacher Madame Shapiro about a fire in the girls' second-floor bathroom Monday, only to be ordered to speak French. "En française," Shapiro told the frantic, wildly gesticulating Block. "S'il ya un feu dans le WC, dites-moi dans la langue propre. D'accord?" Block then tried to say, "Allyson Dorner threw a lit cigarette in the garbage, and it burst into flames, and now there's a huge fire spreading all over the bathroom!" in French, but got stuck on the word for "threw."

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