French's Introduces Antibacterial Mustard

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Vol 41 Issue 15

Embattled Tom Delay

In recent weeks, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has come under increasing fire from a number of important media and political figures. What do you think?

I Gotta Get Out More Often

Hola, amigos. What do you hear? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been dragging my ass through the routine. The winter always gets me down. Don't tell me how it's spring. I know it's spring, but that makes it worse. It gets warm for a few days, I think I finally broke on through to the other side, and then it snows and I feel like shit again. Plus, my alternator belt is squeaking. I got a new one, but I haven't changed it yet because who wants to do car repairs when it's nice out?

The Minutemen

A group of volunteers calling themselves the Minutemen began standing sentry on the U.S. side of the Arizona-Mexico border last week to watch for illegal immigrants and smugglers. How are they safeguarding the country?

Pope John Paul II, Longtime Owner Of Popemobile, Dead At 84

VATICAN CITY—Pope John Paul II, who owned the Popemobile for more than a quarter of a century, passed away last Saturday. "The Popemobile was known the world over," said Peter Egan, a writer for Road & Track. "A fine example of European craftsmanship, the hand-built, 4.3 litre, V-8 powered, pearl-gray vehicle was exceptionally well-loved, even more so after the bulletproof bubble was added in 1981 to safeguard its passengers against assassination attempts. During the time he owned the Popemobile, John Paul II visited more than 120 countries. He loved the open road." The specially altered Mercedes-Benz ML-series off-road vehicle has been maintained by papal staff since the pope fell ill in August 2004. The pope's will is expected to grant its use to either the next pope or John Paul II's young cousin Zbigniew.

Preparing A Living Will

A living will is a legal document that provides directives for your medical care in the event that you are physically unable to express them. Here are some things to keep in mind while creating a living will:
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French's Introduces Antibacterial Mustard

ROCHESTER, NY—In response to increasing American demand for tangier, more hygienic meals, condiment giant French's has introduced a new antibacterial mustard.

"Each year, 15 million cases of bacterial food poisoning originate in U.S. home kitchens, resulting in nausea, diarrhea, fever, and even death," read a press release French's issued Monday. "Now, lunch doesn't have to endanger your health! All-new French's Antibacterial Mustard is the perfect way to add flavor to, and subtract harmful disease-causing bacteria from, your family's favorite meals!"

According to French's representative Darla Nelson, the new hypoallergenic mustard complements the company's expanding line—which includes French's Honey Dijon Mustard and French's Sweet & Tangy Honey Mustard—and kills over 99.99% of harmful germs.

The mustard is orange in color, more translucent than the traditional varieties, and somewhat medicinal in flavor. In product trials performed by French's, mothers preferred antibacterial mustard five to one when informed of its sterilizing properties.

A television commercial for the mustard plays up its prominent role in luncheon sanitization.

"Approximately 9,000 deaths per year are attributed to foodborne pathogens, and the most germ-filled location in the house is the kitchen," a woman says as computer-generated footage zooms in to show worm-like spirochete bacteria multiplying on a slice of bologna. "Normal mustards do nothing to combat the germs that begin forming on meats and cheeses as soon as they're taken out of the refrigerator. But an hour after spreading on our powerful French's Antibacterial Mustard, your lunch is still free of everything but zesty mustard taste!"

Nelson said consumers are increasingly concerned with the lack of germicidal properties in old-fashioned, non-antibacterial condiments.

"When I used to spread old-style mustard on my children's hot dogs, I never knew what sort of bugs were breeding between the buns," said a woman quoted on French's website. "For all I know, microorganisms were actually feeding off the condiments I was squirting on my family's meat. But now that I use French's Antibacterial, I'm reassured by the mustard's bright orange sheen, unique tanginess, and the little foaming bubbles that show it's working. That's a mustard we all can live with."

Not everyone is in favor of the new product. Lloyd Cummings, a toppings expert at the Institute for Public Health, said French's Antibacterial poses more health and taste hazards than it solves.

"We're going to see many American sandwich-makers using these powerful mustards, because the condiments have been marketed as an effective way to lower the risk of infection," Cummings said. "But widespread antibacterial sandwich-spread use will likely result in the formation of a strain of ham- and cheese-originated, drug-resistant bacteria. These 'superlunchbugs' will be more deadly than any bacteria we see today. For lunches prepared or packed for healthy family members, regular household mustard is strong enough. And it tastes a lot less like iodine."

In spite of such warnings, Nelson said all French's mustards will eventually contain triclosan, the most trusted antibacterial agent used in hospitals today, and that the company is currently working on three new germ-fighting sauces: Cattlemen's Kansas City Antibiotic BBQ Sauce, Frank's RedHot Hot Sauce with Hydrogen Peroxide, and French's Worcestershire-Neosporin Sauce.

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