Frequent Flyer Knows Out-Of-The-Way Airport Bar That's Never Crowded

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Vol 38 Issue 47

Fact Repeated As Urban Legend

BREWSTER, WA—An actual occurrence passed into the realm of modern folklore Tuesday, when actor Robert Reed's 1992 AIDS-related death was repeated as urban legend. "Dude, this guy I know told me that the guy who played the dad on The Brady Bunch died of AIDS," said Jeff Gund, 16. "Can you believe he believed that?" Gund went on to tell the equally implausible tale of a woman who cut off her husband's penis and threw it in a field, only to see the man surgically reattach it and become a porn star.

How Was Local Man To Know Carol Channing's Niece Was Around?

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Well, Jesus, is area resident Richard Pauling, 43, never supposed to crack jokes about anyone at a party because, by some freakish coincidence, their niece might actually wind up being in earshot and get pissed off? "All I did was make a humorous remark about actress Carol Channing's advanced age that involved speculation regarding the dryness of her nether regions, and suddenly I'm Hitler," Pauling said. "Shit."

FBI: Six Dead Not Really 'Mass' Murder

WASHINGTON, DC—Addressing reporters about the ritual slaying of six cheerleaders at a Frankfort, KY, high school, FBI director Robert Mueller clarified that the body count does not seem high enough to qualify as "mass" murder. "I don't know if there's an official minimum, but I always imagined 'mass' was more like 15 or 20," Mueller said. "Charles Whitman, now there was a mass murderer." Mueller added that in spite of their modest scale, the killings "were still pretty bad."

Man Always Insists You Toss Him Keys Rather Than Just Hand Them To Him

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Area resident Russ Squirek insists on having his keys tossed to him rather than handed, sources reported Monday. "It's always, 'Yo, here we go, long bomb, send 'em over, going deep,'" friend Craig Green said. "I think he thinks it's cool." Green said Squirek also insists on hopping into convertibles whenever possible rather than using the door.

Barnes & Noble Staffers Mock Orson Scott Card Crowd From Back Of Room

RALEIGH, NC—Employees of the Crabtree Mall Barnes & Noble used a Tuesday book-signing by science-fiction author Orson Scott Card as an opportunity to mock those in attendance. "'Excuse me, Mr. Card,'" cashier Randy Feig said to coworker Ian Rose in a derisive, pinched "nerd" voice. "'In Shadow Of The Hegemon, why was Ender Wiggin so reluctant to return to Earth after the Formic War?'" Feig then urged Rose to "check out the huge dude in the cloak" in the second row.

Woman Who Visited Kenya Once Struts Confidently Into African Store

SKOKIE, IL—Amanda Wyner, 23, who in 1998 spent a week vacationing at a Kenya resort during college spring break, strode confidently Monday into Harambe, a Woodfield Mall store specializing in African art and collectibles. "This is a tribal mask," Wyner stated authoritatively to her sister while holding an Ashanti war mask. "The Africans wear these during actual ceremonies."

Iraq And The Nuclear Option

Last week, President Bush said he would not rule out using nuclear weapons against enemies wielding weapons of mass destruction. What do you think?

Coworker Suicide Fails To Shatter Office

WORCESTER, MA—Last weekend's suicide of Sentinel Management Solutions employee Tom Blundell has failed to shatter the management-consulting firm's office, sources reported Tuesday.
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Frequent Flyer Knows Out-Of-The-Way Airport Bar That's Never Crowded

ATLANTA—Savvy, experienced business traveler Donald Meyers, 46, knows a great out-of-the-way bar at O'Hare Airport's "B" terminal that's never crowded, the frequent flyer said Monday during a layover in Atlanta.

Meyers enjoys a beer at an airport bar in Atlanta.

Meyers, a project manager for Motorola who is on the road an average of 150 days a year, discovered the Windy City Pub during a three-hour layover at O'Hare in May 2001. He said the bar is one of his top 10 frequent-flying treats.

"I don't say this often, but visiting this little bar is actually worth extending your time between flights," Meyers said. "It's never crowded, the chairs are incredibly comfortable, and it's set back a bit from the terminal walkways, so it's not nearly as loud as your average airport bar. I'd have to put it up there with the Cheers bar at Detroit Metro and the one they used to have at the end of the United terminal at Denver's old Stapleton International."

Meyers also had high praise for Tomas Cordero, the Windy City Pub's weekday bartender.

"Tomas is great," said Meyers, who, when not on the road, lives in St. Louis with wife Linda and their two sons Cody and Cameron. "He puts something—I don't know what—with a little extra zing in the Bloody Mary mix. Everyone knows you shouldn't drink before flying, but if you knew this little hidden gem, you'd probably be willing to chance it."

With an estimated 2,000 flights under his belt in his 23 years of business travel, Meyers claims to be "one of the nation's leading authorities" on airport amenities, and said he is "more than happy" to pass along knowledge and experience to his fellow travelers.

"If you don't fly often, there's lots of stuff you probably don't know," Meyers said. "Like how much better the Northwest WorldClub lounge is in Dallas than the one at most other airports—especially La Guardia. Or how you can do on-line check-in with Continental, but that's only if you have no carry-ons. Or how you should use your Delta SkyMiles card on weekends, because you get double miles on all purchases. Those are the kind of things you may not know if you're not a seasoned traveler like myself."

Anna Helsing, 33, sat next to Meyers on a recent St. Louis-Minneapolis flight.

"I was trying to get comfortable in my seat when [Meyers] launched into this whole thing about how I should avoid those U-shaped neck pillows," Helsing said. "When I told him I didn't know what he was talking about, he showed me one in the SkyMall catalog and explained that they cramp your neck worse than the regular airline pillow or a folded-up blanket. I wasn't about to use one, but he felt the need to warn me, anyway."

Catherine Appel, who sat next to Meyers on a recent San Francisco-Los Angeles flight, said he spent a majority of the trip assessing the hotels situated near various major U.S. and Canadian airports.

"Apparently, the Newark Airport Westin is one of the worst in the country," Appel said. "I have no idea if that's true, but he seems to know. I mean, if you heard this guy talk: He advised getting the kosher meal because it's always better. He gave me tips on getting business-class upgrades. He bragged about getting his oversized luggage onto planes as carry-on because of some weird routing loophole he knows about. And he went on and on about this magic, uncrowded bar at O'Hare, which he made sound like an oasis in the middle of the desert."

"I'd shoot myself if I ever knew that much about airport hotels and bars," Appel added. "Thank God I don't have to fly as much as that poor loser."

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