Freshly Scented Soap To Cleanse Irish

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Vol 30 Issue 08

Advertiser Reaches Out To Youth With Off-Set, Mixed-Typography Font

NEW YORK—In a bold, unconventional attempt to target America's elusive youth demographic, the advertising firm of Saatchi & Saatchi will utilize an off-set, mixed-typography font in its upcoming print campaign for Sprite. "We feel this crazy, jagged, broken typewriter-style font will resonate strongly with the jaded youth of Generation X," said Stephen Freed, co-director of creative services for the New York-based advertising giant. "Its broken, imperfect look captures perfectly that disillusioned, anti-commercial, 'I don't fall for slickness, dude' sentiment of today's slacker youth grunge culture. It also scanned extremely well with our test focus groups."

Local Muppet Held For Questioning In Chicken Sex Ring

SHELBY, OH—An area muppet is being held for questioning regarding its role in an illegal underground chicken sex ring. The unnamed muppet, described as a blue, hyperactive, beaked male of unknown species, is suspected to have master-minded the operation, which involved some 2,500 chickens in 11 states. "Henrietta! Myrtle! Lucy!" the muppet shouted as Department of Animal Welfare officials dragged him from his home, where he was found naked Monday with more than two dozen female chickens.

West Bank Rioting Shatters 45 Minutes Of Middle East Peace

NABLUS, WEST BANK—Riots broke out in the streets of Nablus at 3 p.m. Monday, shattering a Middle East peace that had lasted for nearly 45 minutes. The violence, which left 15 Palestinian civilians and at least a dozen Israeli soldiers dead, was the most significant fighting to erupt in the volatile region since 2:15 p.m. that same day, when an Israeli tank ran over 85 rock-throwing Palestinians in the Gaza Strip. "Just before lunch, I believed things were moving forward," said disappointed Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, speaking from a Jerusalem-area falafel shop. "But now that this delicious falafel and hummus sandwich is done, I just do not know." Netanyahu vowed to work with PLO leader Yasser Arafat to secure a true, lasting peace that will endure well into weekend.

Area Cockroach Fucking Huge

CLEVELAND—According to reports, a local cockroach discovered in a downtown apartment Monday is fucking huge. "Jesus Christ," said tenant Jeff Reiner, invoking the noted savior's name to emphasize the tremendous size of the insect. "That thing is fucking huge—did you see the size of that thing?" Added Reiner: "Damn, that's a fucking big cockroach."

Yeltsin's Failing Health

Russian President Boris Yeltsin's questionable physical condition has been the subject of much discussion lately, reaching a fever pitch with last week's announcement that he is too weak to undergo a heart operation. What do you think about his poor health?

I Would Like To Win a Prize

This morning the telephone rang while I was downstairs washing some slacks, so I rushed upstairs and caught it on the 14th ring. To my surprise it wasn't my daughter in Tulsa or my neighbor Cecil, but a young man who told me I'd qualified for the final prize round for a trip to exotic Mexico City! I didn't remember signing up for any trip to exotic Mexico City, but I told the man, "Why, that's super—I would like to win a prize!"

Local Moviegoer Enjoying Movie So Far

OAKLAND, CA—It was recently learned that local moviegoer Jane Pressler, who went to see a showing of The First Wives Club at Oakland's Sunrise Multiplex just a short while ago, is enjoying the movie so far. "I'm really enjoying this movie so far," said Pressler, a dental hygienist whose favorite film is The Bodyguard. "I just can't wait to see what Goldie, Bette and Diane do to get even with those no-good, jerk ex-husbands of theirs." Moments later, Pressler erupted in laughter at a Bette Midler wisecrack relating to the IQ of her ex-husband's current, younger girlfriend. Said Pressler: "She's crazy!"
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Freshly Scented Soap To Cleanse Irish

DUBLIN, IRELAND—After centuries of suffering, the people of the world will finally have some much-needed relief from the offending filth of the seemingly ubiquitous Irish. The remedy: a new, freshly scented deodorant soap developed specifically with malodorous Irish riff-raff in mind.

A powerful new green and white soap, specifically designed to evoke memories of a long-lost mythical Irish arcadia, is expected to prove enticing enough to the filthy Irish that they will actually begin bathing themselves.

The soap, an exciting logo-embossed consumer product featuring rich lather, an outdoorsy spring-breeze scent and a revolutionary two-deodorant composition, will come in a visually enticing green/white marbled color combination deliberately designed to attract persons of Irish descent by appealing subconciously to deeply rooted cultural signifiers.

"In addition to being doubly powerful in fighting odor-causing Irishness, the soap possesses a specially patented, evocative, whimsical image, invoking memories of a long-lost mythical Irish arcadia, where the Irish gripped blades of grass in their clenched teeth and bathed in the icy waterfalls of dew-dappled woodland ponds, and everything smelled wonderful—so unlike the Ireland of today," said Rodger Watkins, co-chair of the soap development team.

"At last," Watkins continued, "decent folk will be able to go outside without having to hold scarves to their noses whenever a swarthy, drunken, potato-gorged bricklayer ambles their way. Now the Irish will have a tolerable—perhaps even pleasing—scent bleeding from their pasty, sweaty persons."

Under a new mandate just passed by the U.N. General Assembly, tubs of water and bars of soap will be delivered to all Irish households with clear instructions on appropriate bathing habits. The instructions will be in pictogram form to ensure comprehension on the part of the typically ignorant Irish.

"Although many forms of soap have been developed in the history of science, and good ones at that, they were simply not effective enough to cleanse the citizens of the Emerald Isle," Watkins said. "Once they wash themselves fully with this soap and rinse off, their abominable stench will be virtually gone."

The turtleneck-clad scientist explained that the precise formulation of ingredients leaves all who use it, even the Irish, "Fresh and clean as a whistle."

The soap's breakthrough secret, said Watkins: "two deodorants."

Watkins demonstrated the innovation by displaying a bar of the soap and cutting a sliver off with a knife. A look at the interior of the bar revealed clearly defined streaks of green and white, with the colors serving as a visual representation of the two odor-fighters.

Since the inside of the bar looked exactly like the exterior surface, it was unclear exactly what this method of demonstration was intended to accomplish. Witnesses agreed, however, that the knife's usage conveyed a spirit of manly, outdoorsy virility.

"After that display, I almost want to buy the product myself... and I'm not even Irish!" said observer Sharon Lowenstein, hastily adding that she would never actually humiliate herself that way, and would of course continue using only the proper Jewish-themed soap she'd used for years.

The plan has met with some resistance, particularly in the Irish community itself. "Begorrah," Dublin native Seamus O'Finley said. "Oi would sooner snuggy up ter a bumblebee dan dunk me hoide in dat dere bathwash. Noo, surr. Th' best perfoom fer old Seamus be da Earth wot God done made his own self."

Per the new U.N. statute, O'Finley was forcibly dunked in a vat of hot water by police and scrubbed until pink. O'Finley was then issued new, clean clothing, while his grimy, sweat-stained outfit of a shirt, breeches and tiny green bowler with a shamrock tucked into the band were confiscated. He was permited to keep his clay pipe.

"The rebellious and confrontational nature of the Irish will be a problem," said Chicago Chief of Police Thomas Franck, whose city is home to more than a million Irish. "But that's what billy clubs are for."

Chicago mayor Richard Daley is tremendously excited about the new soap as well. "We've got a lot of Irish here, that's for sure," he said. "And hooo-wheee, on a hot day, they can smell 'em in Decatur."

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