Freshly Scented Soap To Cleanse Irish

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Vol 33 Issue 15

Neighbors Remember Serial Killer As Serial Killer

DUNEDIN, FL—In the wake of his capture Monday, serial killer Eddie Lee Curtis is being recalled by neighbors as a serial killer. "He was kind of a murderous, insane, serial-killer type of fellow," said Will Rowell, 57, who lived next door to the man arrested for the murder of 14 nurses in Florida and Georgia. "He sort of kept to himself, killing nurses, having sex with their corpses, and then burying the bodies in his backyard." Neighbor Peg Appleton agreed: "I didn't know him that well, but he really seemed to hate nurses, the way he was always dismembering them with power tools. I guess you could say he fancied himself a serial killer."

Area Man Likes Food

FLUSHING, NY—In a surprise announcement, local cab driver Kevin Reilly, 33, confirmed Monday that he likes food. "I enjoy meats, dairy products, grains, fruits and all manner of desserts," he said. "I also like the taste and texture of many snack foods, including Doritos, Munchos and Funyuns." Reilly wavered on the issue of whether he likes afternoon snacks or late-night desserts more.

'Bad To The Bone' To Be Used In Film

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In an inspired act of film soundtracking, Paramount Pictures announced Tuesday that its forthcoming family comedy Twerps will feature the rock song "Bad To The Bone" by George Thorogood. "We feel the song will greatly enhance the scene in which the 12-year-old protagonist and his two pals go on a shopping spree and dress up as tough kids," said Paramount executive Edward Wohl. "As the children outfit themselves in leather, denim and sunglasses, the song's bluesy riffs and 'don't-mess-with-me' lyrics will provide the perfect musical accompaniment to the kids' get-tough makeover." Paramount also intends to use James Brown's "I Feel Good" for the film's closing-credits sequence, moments after the lead character defeats the neighborhood bully in a climactic roller-hockey match.

Police Sketch Artist Admits To Only Drawing People Who Have Wronged Him Personally

HOUSTON—Dozens of wrongful arrests were brought to light Saturday, as longtime Houston Police Department sketch artist Daniel Lampert confessed that for years he had used his artistic skill to indict innocent people who had angered him. "Remember that serial rapist eight years ago? That was a sketch of my neighbor," Lampert told reporters. "Son of a bitch wouldn't leash his dog." Lampert also revealed that Houston's notorious heroin kingpin Bradley Manning, arrested hours after a Lampert sketch of him was completed, stole the vigilante sketch artist's girlfriend in college. "Jerk thought he was so big," Lampert said. "Showed him."

Gay Gene Isolated, Ostracized

BALTIMORE—On Monday, scientists at Johns Hopkins University isolated the gene which causes homosexuality in human males and promptly segregated it from normal, heterosexual genes. "I had suspected that that gene was queer for a long time now. There was just something not quite right about it," said team leader Dr. Norbert Reynolds. "It's a good thing we isolated it—I wouldn't want that faggot-ass gene messing with the straight ones." Among the factors Reynolds cited as evidence of the gene's gayness: its pinkish hue, meticulously frilly structure, and faint perfume-like odor.

Shaggy Dog Too Late To Cheer Up Dying Boy

BOSTON—Terminally ill 5-year-old Timmy McWinn had one wish before his tragic death last week: to be visited one last time by Bruiser, the McWinns' loyal and devoted family dog. Bruiser was McWinn's companion and best friend throughout the young boy's short life.

Government Issues Citizens Official 'Screw You' Packet

WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to streamline degradation of the American populace and consolidate all forms of bureaucratic hassle into one convenient mailing, federal officials announced Monday that, beginning in 1999, the government will issue all citizens an annual "Screw You" packet.

Rating The Adult Diapers

In my young days, I could shit like a draft horse. But now, I can only coax a thin, yellowish gruel from my feeble colon, often without warning. Thus, I must be swathed in an oversized diaper at all times.
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Freshly Scented Soap To Cleanse Irish

DUBLIN, IRELAND—After centuries of suffering, the people of the world will finally have some much-needed relief from the offending filth of the ubiquitous Irish. The remedy: a new, freshly scented deodorant soap designed specifically with malodorous Irish riff-raff in mind.

A powerful new green-and-white soap, designed to evoke memories of a long-lost mythical Irish arcadia, is expected to entice the filthy Irish into actually bathing themselves.

The soap, an exciting, logo-embossed consumer product featuring rich lather, an outdoorsy spring-fresh scent and a revolutionary two-deodorant composition, will come in an enticing marbled, green-white color motif deliberately designed to attract persons of Irish descent by appealing subconsciously to deeply rooted Gaelic cultural signifiers.

Said Rodger Watkins, co-chair of the soap development team: "In addition to being doubly powerful in fighting odor-causing Irishness, the soap possesses a specially patented, whimsical image intended to evoke memories of a long-lost mythical Irish arcadia where the Irish gripped blades of grass in their clenched teeth and bathed in the icy waterfalls of dew-dappled woodland ponds, and everything smelled wonderful—so unlike the Ireland of today."

"At last," Watkins said, "decent folk will be able to go outside without having to hold scarves to their noses every time a swarthy, drunken, potato-gorged bricklayer ambles past. Now the Irish will have a tolerable—perhaps even pleasant—scent issuing forth from their pasty, sweaty persons."

Under a new mandate just passed by the U.N. General Assembly, tubs of water and bars of soap will be delivered to all Irish households with clear instructions on appropriate bathing habits. The instructions will be in pictogram form to ensure comprehension on the part of the ignorant, illiterate Irish.

"Although many forms of soap have been developed over the centuries, none were ever powerful enough to cleanse the citizens of the Emerald Isle," Watkins said. "But once they wash themselves fully with this new soap, their abominable stench will be virtually gone."

The turtleneck-clad Watkins said the breakthrough soap leaves all who use it, even the Irish, "fresh and clean as a whistle."

The soap's revolutionary secret, he said, is its "two deodorants."

Watkins demonstrated by displaying a bar of the soap and cutting off a sliver with a knife. A look at a cross-section of the bar's interior revealed clearly defined streaks of green and white, the colors serving as a visual representation of the two odor-fighters.

How Does It Work?

Since the inside of the bar looked exactly like its exterior, it was unclear what this demonstration was intended to accomplish. Witnesses agreed, however, that the use of the knife conveyed a spirit of manly, outdoorsy virility.

"After that display, I almost want to buy the product myself—and I'm neither filthy nor Irish," said observer Sharon Lowenstein.

The Irish-cleansing plan has met with some resistance, particularly from members of the Irish community. "Begorrah," Belfast native Seamus Singleton said. "Oi would sooner snuggy up ter a bumblebee dan dunk me hoide in dat dere bathwash. Noo, surr. Th' best perfoom fer old Seamus be da Earth wot God done made His own self."

In accordance with the new U.N. statute, Singleton was forcibly dunked in a vat of hot water by police and scrubbed until pink. Singleton was then issued new, clean clothing, and his grimy, sweat-stained outfit consisting of a shirt, breeches and tiny green bowler with a shamrock tucked into the band was confiscated. He was permitted to keep his clay pipe.

"The rebellious and confrontational nature of the Irish will be a problem," said Chicago police spokesman Jonathan Franck, whose city is home to more than a million Irish. "But that's what billy clubs are for."

Chicago mayor Richard Daley is tremendously excited about the new soap as well. "We've got a lot of Irish here, that's for sure," he said. "And hooo-wheee, on a hot day, they can smell 'em in Decatur."

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