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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Freshman Asks New Roommate Not To Hide Masturbation From Him

BLOOMINGTON, IN—As Indiana University students began moving into their assigned residence halls Wednesday, freshman Martin Mattucci told his new roommate Corey Dwire not to worry about hiding his acts of masturbation. "I just want you to know, right off the bat, that I'm cool with you jerking off when I'm around," said Mattucci, who added that any other arrangement would be impractical considering the two would be sharing a 10-by-10-foot room for the next nine months. "If I walk in while you're rubbing one out, just keep right on going. The way I see it, it would be more awkward if you stopped. By the way, my name's Martin." Mattucci added that he always keeps plenty of paper towels and moisturizer around for just such occasions, so Dwire should feel free to let him know if he's running low or needs extra.

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