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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Freshman Bares Her Soul To Entire Dorm Floor In First Week

MADISON, WI—Through tearful breakdowns, heart-to-heart conversations, and alcohol-infused emotional confessions, Chadbourne Hall resident Yvonne Dawes has exposed every part of her inner self to all 54 members of her dorm floor within the first five days of college, sources reported.

"The first time I talked to her, she told me about the turning point in her relationship with her mother, her darkest secret, and her second darkest secret," said fellow student Rachel Cohen, who is one of the 26 females on the floor whom Dawes describes as being "like a sister" to her. "We all knew about her happiest moment and the difficulties of her adolescence before our classes even started."

Though her floormates think they've weathered the worst of it, Dawes is reported to have "big plans" for a massive weekend-long breakdown following a one-night stand in early October.

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