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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Freshman Bares Her Soul To Entire Dorm Floor In First Week

MADISON, WI—Through tearful breakdowns, heart-to-heart conversations, and alcohol-infused emotional confessions, Chadbourne Hall resident Yvonne Dawes has exposed every part of her inner self to all 54 members of her dorm floor within the first five days of college, sources reported.

"The first time I talked to her, she told me about the turning point in her relationship with her mother, her darkest secret, and her second darkest secret," said fellow student Rachel Cohen, who is one of the 26 females on the floor whom Dawes describes as being "like a sister" to her. "We all knew about her happiest moment and the difficulties of her adolescence before our classes even started."

Though her floormates think they've weathered the worst of it, Dawes is reported to have "big plans" for a massive weekend-long breakdown following a one-night stand in early October.

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