adBlockCheck

Freshman Bares Her Soul To Entire Dorm Floor In First Week

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Freshman Bares Her Soul To Entire Dorm Floor In First Week

MADISON, WI—Through tearful breakdowns, heart-to-heart conversations, and alcohol-infused emotional confessions, Chadbourne Hall resident Yvonne Dawes has exposed every part of her inner self to all 54 members of her dorm floor within the first five days of college, sources reported.

"The first time I talked to her, she told me about the turning point in her relationship with her mother, her darkest secret, and her second darkest secret," said fellow student Rachel Cohen, who is one of the 26 females on the floor whom Dawes describes as being "like a sister" to her. "We all knew about her happiest moment and the difficulties of her adolescence before our classes even started."

Though her floormates think they've weathered the worst of it, Dawes is reported to have "big plans" for a massive weekend-long breakdown following a one-night stand in early October.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close