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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Freshman Running Back Wondering If Other Four Freshmen Running Backs Were Told They'd Start This Year

LOS ANGELES—University of Southern California freshman running back C.J. Gable wondered at practice yesterday if head coach Pete Carroll had also told fellow freshmen running backs Kenny Ashley, Stanley Havili, Stafon Johnson, and Emmanuel Moody that they would be given the opportunity to start this year. "When I was recruited, Coach Carroll told me I was the next Reggie Bush and the team's future," a homesick and confused Gable said to his mother during a phone call. "I wonder, is that something he tells all the other freshman running backs to get them to come to USC?" Gable later assumed his worst fears were coming true when Carroll remarked that all the freshmen running backs, along with six other upperclassmen running backs, were "really cluttering up the Trojan locker room."

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