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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Freshman Running Back Wondering If Other Four Freshmen Running Backs Were Told They'd Start This Year

LOS ANGELES—University of Southern California freshman running back C.J. Gable wondered at practice yesterday if head coach Pete Carroll had also told fellow freshmen running backs Kenny Ashley, Stanley Havili, Stafon Johnson, and Emmanuel Moody that they would be given the opportunity to start this year. "When I was recruited, Coach Carroll told me I was the next Reggie Bush and the team's future," a homesick and confused Gable said to his mother during a phone call. "I wonder, is that something he tells all the other freshman running backs to get them to come to USC?" Gable later assumed his worst fears were coming true when Carroll remarked that all the freshmen running backs, along with six other upperclassmen running backs, were "really cluttering up the Trojan locker room."

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