adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
End Of Section
  • More News

Freudian Physical Therapist Convinced Dream Actually About Knee

WESTPORT, CT—Cal Eddards, a physical therapist who treats injuries through Freudian dream analysis, said her patient's dream of isolation and disorientation was about his torn ACL. "Patient A dreamed that his house had several new, ominous rooms—clearly a subconscious manifestation of ruptured tendon," Eddards wrote in the PT Bulletin Online. "The unstable knee, coupled with his normal fears of castration, have caused a state of repressed emotionality that, if left untreated, could contribute to bursitis later in life."
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close