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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Friend Asks If There Any Openings At Job He Constantly Mocks

SEATTLE—After politely broaching the subject last week with inquiries about recent hires and overall staff size, sources confirmed Wednesday that area man John Davies asked his friend Matthew Harrison if there were any openings at the real estate information website Zillow.com, a company Harrison works for, and which Davies constantly and relentlessly mocks behind his back. “Hey, man, just out of curiosity, do you know if they’re hiring right now?” Davies reportedly asked in reference to positions that he’s called “stupid,” “so fucking dumb,” and once went so far as to say that he would “blow [his] own brains out if [he] had Matt’s job.” “I can email you my résumé, and then if you could pass it along to human resources, that would be great. You don’t mind, do you? Thanks.” Reports later confirmed that Davies told Harrison that he thinks Zillow.com would be a “pretty cool” place to work.

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