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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Friend Asks If There Any Openings At Job He Constantly Mocks

SEATTLE—After politely broaching the subject last week with inquiries about recent hires and overall staff size, sources confirmed Wednesday that area man John Davies asked his friend Matthew Harrison if there were any openings at the real estate information website Zillow.com, a company Harrison works for, and which Davies constantly and relentlessly mocks behind his back. “Hey, man, just out of curiosity, do you know if they’re hiring right now?” Davies reportedly asked in reference to positions that he’s called “stupid,” “so fucking dumb,” and once went so far as to say that he would “blow [his] own brains out if [he] had Matt’s job.” “I can email you my résumé, and then if you could pass it along to human resources, that would be great. You don’t mind, do you? Thanks.” Reports later confirmed that Davies told Harrison that he thinks Zillow.com would be a “pretty cool” place to work.

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