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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Friend Attempting To Provide Comfort Has No Clue What The Fuck She’s Talking About

SEATTLE—In spite of her efforts to sit down with friend Alicia Wright and help her navigate recent romantic and professional problems, sources confirmed Wednesday that 27-year-old Jessica Dennett has absolutely no fucking idea whatsoever as to what she’s talking about. “I know it seems tough right now, but trust me, this is just a little bump in the road; things will be better before you know it,” said Dennett, whose earnest but completely inept attempts to provide comfort and support only served to reveal how unqualified she was to address her friend’s complex situation. “Believe me, I’ve been here before myself and it sucks. But it’s painful experiences like these that make us stronger in the end. And when you look back on this later, you’ll see that it’s not even as bad as you think it is now.” At press time, Wright was telling Dennett that her completely meaningless advice had been very helpful.

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