Friend Attempting To Provide Comfort Has No Clue What The Fuck She’s Talking About

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Vol 50 Issue 08

Obese Americans Get Less Than 4 Hours Of Exercise Per Year

According to a new study from researchers at the University of Alabama, the average obese American gets fewer than 4 hours of “vigorous exercise” per year, with obese men averaging 3.6 hours of vigorous exercise per year and obese women gettin...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Friend Attempting To Provide Comfort Has No Clue What The Fuck She’s Talking About

SEATTLE—In spite of her efforts to sit down with friend Alicia Wright and help her navigate recent romantic and professional problems, sources confirmed Wednesday that 27-year-old Jessica Dennett has absolutely no fucking idea whatsoever as to what she’s talking about. “I know it seems tough right now, but trust me, this is just a little bump in the road; things will be better before you know it,” said Dennett, whose earnest but completely inept attempts to provide comfort and support only served to reveal how unqualified she was to address her friend’s complex situation. “Believe me, I’ve been here before myself and it sucks. But it’s painful experiences like these that make us stronger in the end. And when you look back on this later, you’ll see that it’s not even as bad as you think it is now.” At press time, Wright was telling Dennett that her completely meaningless advice had been very helpful.

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