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U.S. Still Enjoying Small But Loyal Following

WASHINGTON—While the nation’s mainstream popularity has largely diminished in recent years, sources confirmed this week that the United States still retains a passionate fan base composed of a few extremely dedicated followers.

Sports Fan Has Opinion

INDIANAPOLIS—A local sports fan has an opinion about sports, sources confirmed Wednesday. According to individuals close to the situation, area man Justin Donnelly, a self-described sports “diehard,” is currently airing his thoughts on a...
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Friend Lives Strange Other Life As Manchester United Fan

BOSTON—According to resident Mike Donnick, his friend and roommate Ben Manton lives a bizarre parallel life as a fan of the U.K. Premier League soccer club Manchester United. “On Saturdays, I’ll hear him leave the apartment at like 7 in the morning, and then he’ll come back around 2 or 3 in the afternoon absolutely plastered, wearing an enormous red scarf and Man U jersey,” Donnick told reporters Tuesday, admitting he has no idea where Ben goes or with whom he hangs out while away. “Occasionally, Ben’ll be on his computer and yell something like ‘Fucking Vidic,’ but when I ask him who Vidic is, he tells me Vidic’s the club skipper and not to worry about it. I think Vidic might be a soccer player, but who knows?” Donnick also said Ben’s weird choice to sing “Build a bonfire, build a bonfire, put the Scousers on the top” to the tune of “Oh My Darling, Clementine” is somehow connected to his secret Manchester United fandom, but could not be certain.

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Sports Fan Has Opinion

INDIANAPOLIS—A local sports fan has an opinion about sports, sources confirmed Wednesday. According to individuals close to the situation, area man Justin Donnelly, a self-described sports “diehard,” is currently airing his thoughts on a...

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