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Friend Lives Strange Other Life As Manchester United Fan

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

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Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

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Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Friend Lives Strange Other Life As Manchester United Fan

BOSTON—According to resident Mike Donnick, his friend and roommate Ben Manton lives a bizarre parallel life as a fan of the U.K. Premier League soccer club Manchester United. “On Saturdays, I’ll hear him leave the apartment at like 7 in the morning, and then he’ll come back around 2 or 3 in the afternoon absolutely plastered, wearing an enormous red scarf and Man U jersey,” Donnick told reporters Tuesday, admitting he has no idea where Ben goes or with whom he hangs out while away. “Occasionally, Ben’ll be on his computer and yell something like ‘Fucking Vidic,’ but when I ask him who Vidic is, he tells me Vidic’s the club skipper and not to worry about it. I think Vidic might be a soccer player, but who knows?” Donnick also said Ben’s weird choice to sing “Build a bonfire, build a bonfire, put the Scousers on the top” to the tune of “Oh My Darling, Clementine” is somehow connected to his secret Manchester United fandom, but could not be certain.

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