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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Friend Of Friend Better Friend Than Friend

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Though friend Chris Brey, 31, and friend-of-friend Bill Scafuri, 33, did not immediately form a close friendship following their introduction by longtime friend Adam Lustick last August, the two friends' friendship ultimately grew friendlier than the original friendship between Brey and Lustick, mutual friends reported Friday.

"Friends of mine told me that Chris and Bill were becoming better friends, which doesn't surprise me, because sometimes Adam can be a pretty bad friend as far as friends go," said Rebecca Larsin, a friend. "Maybe [Brey and Scafuri] will even become best friends."

When asked to comment on his friends' new friendship, former friend Lustick said he was always happy to help out an acquaintance.

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