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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Friend Of Friend Better Friend Than Friend

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Though friend Chris Brey, 31, and friend-of-friend Bill Scafuri, 33, did not immediately form a close friendship following their introduction by longtime friend Adam Lustick last August, the two friends' friendship ultimately grew friendlier than the original friendship between Brey and Lustick, mutual friends reported Friday.

"Friends of mine told me that Chris and Bill were becoming better friends, which doesn't surprise me, because sometimes Adam can be a pretty bad friend as far as friends go," said Rebecca Larsin, a friend. "Maybe [Brey and Scafuri] will even become best friends."

When asked to comment on his friends' new friendship, former friend Lustick said he was always happy to help out an acquaintance.

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