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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Friend Of Friend Better Friend Than Friend

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Though friend Chris Brey, 31, and friend-of-friend Bill Scafuri, 33, did not immediately form a close friendship following their introduction by longtime friend Adam Lustick last August, the two friends' friendship ultimately grew friendlier than the original friendship between Brey and Lustick, mutual friends reported Friday.

"Friends of mine told me that Chris and Bill were becoming better friends, which doesn't surprise me, because sometimes Adam can be a pretty bad friend as far as friends go," said Rebecca Larsin, a friend. "Maybe [Brey and Scafuri] will even become best friends."

When asked to comment on his friends' new friendship, former friend Lustick said he was always happy to help out an acquaintance.

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