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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Friend Takes Liberty Of Ordering $40 Worth Of Appetizers For Entire Table

ATLANTA—Speaking up on behalf of his six-person group at Morrie’s Tavern & Grill Tuesday evening, software engineer Bradley McCray reportedly took it upon himself to order a wide selection of appetizers totaling approximately $40. “Yeah, let’s get two loaded potato skins, a plate of habanero poppers, and a few baskets of chips and guac for the table,” McCray was overheard telling the waitress, neglecting to consult the other members of his party before committing them to the large assortment of pre-dinner fare. “Are the regular or chipotle hot wings better? You know, how about you just bring us one of each? And we’re also gonna start off with a pitcher of strawberry margaritas to share.” At press time, the rest of the table was watching helplessly as McCray asked to see the dessert menu.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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