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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Friend Takes Liberty Of Ordering $40 Worth Of Appetizers For Entire Table

ATLANTA—Speaking up on behalf of his six-person group at Morrie’s Tavern & Grill Tuesday evening, software engineer Bradley McCray reportedly took it upon himself to order a wide selection of appetizers totaling approximately $40. “Yeah, let’s get two loaded potato skins, a plate of habanero poppers, and a few baskets of chips and guac for the table,” McCray was overheard telling the waitress, neglecting to consult the other members of his party before committing them to the large assortment of pre-dinner fare. “Are the regular or chipotle hot wings better? You know, how about you just bring us one of each? And we’re also gonna start off with a pitcher of strawberry margaritas to share.” At press time, the rest of the table was watching helplessly as McCray asked to see the dessert menu.

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