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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Friend Who Sent Link To 8-Minute YouTube Video Must Be Fucking Delusional

SALEM, OR—Sources confirmed that local man Paul Gallagher emailed friends a link to an eight-minute-long YouTube video Wednesday, evidently experiencing some kind of psychotic break that left him deluded enough to believe people would want to watch the whole goddamned thing. “Is he out of his fucking mind?” link recipient Stephen Dunstable said after reading the email’s instruction to “be sure to watch all the way to the end.” “Because he’d have to be clinically insane to think anyone would sit through a video that long. Three or four minutes would be crazy enough—but eight? And the asshole doesn’t even tell us what point we should cue it up to if we just want to watch the best part. I honestly don’t know what planet this guy is living on.” Later on, while procrastinating at work, Dunstable reportedly watched the video in its entirety and admitted it was “actually kind of good.”

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