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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Friend Who Sent Link To 8-Minute YouTube Video Must Be Fucking Delusional

SALEM, OR—Sources confirmed that local man Paul Gallagher emailed friends a link to an eight-minute-long YouTube video Wednesday, evidently experiencing some kind of psychotic break that left him deluded enough to believe people would want to watch the whole goddamned thing. “Is he out of his fucking mind?” link recipient Stephen Dunstable said after reading the email’s instruction to “be sure to watch all the way to the end.” “Because he’d have to be clinically insane to think anyone would sit through a video that long. Three or four minutes would be crazy enough—but eight? And the asshole doesn’t even tell us what point we should cue it up to if we just want to watch the best part. I honestly don’t know what planet this guy is living on.” Later on, while procrastinating at work, Dunstable reportedly watched the video in its entirety and admitted it was “actually kind of good.”

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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