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Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Friend Who's Into Politics Makes You Feel Stupid Again

CHICAGO—Nate Carney, 28, your well-read, politically minded friend of eight years, made you feel ignorant again Tuesday with his incisive breakdown of the current Democratic presidential candidates.

"With former Daschle staffers like [early-state adviser Steve] Hildebrand and a reform-minded message guru like [media consultant David] Axelrod, Obama's got the team in place he needs to appeal to everyone from the netroots to the AARP set," said Carney, whose impromptu analysis reminded you that you still haven't gotten around to reading the Obama cover story in that issue of Time magazine you purchased five months ago. "But even if the youth demo[graphic] increases its already improved turnout from '04 and '06, Obama's still going to need to win over a significant number of rank-and-filers who support [Sen.] Hillary [Clinton] in order to gain a competitive number of convention delegates. Especially considering all the proposed changes to the primary calendar next year."

After listening to more than 20 minutes of his well-reasoned extrapolation, you were too bewildered and disoriented to ask him what's up with McCain.

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