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Friend Who's Into Politics Makes You Feel Stupid Again

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.
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Friend Who's Into Politics Makes You Feel Stupid Again

CHICAGO—Nate Carney, 28, your well-read, politically minded friend of eight years, made you feel ignorant again Tuesday with his incisive breakdown of the current Democratic presidential candidates.

"With former Daschle staffers like [early-state adviser Steve] Hildebrand and a reform-minded message guru like [media consultant David] Axelrod, Obama's got the team in place he needs to appeal to everyone from the netroots to the AARP set," said Carney, whose impromptu analysis reminded you that you still haven't gotten around to reading the Obama cover story in that issue of Time magazine you purchased five months ago. "But even if the youth demo[graphic] increases its already improved turnout from '04 and '06, Obama's still going to need to win over a significant number of rank-and-filers who support [Sen.] Hillary [Clinton] in order to gain a competitive number of convention delegates. Especially considering all the proposed changes to the primary calendar next year."

After listening to more than 20 minutes of his well-reasoned extrapolation, you were too bewildered and disoriented to ask him what's up with McCain.

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